I want to highlight a comment posted today by a man who recently shared his addiction with his wife:

I took your advice and told my wife that I have been looking at online porn. I also had to tell her that I have been addicted to porn since I was very young. I spilled it all. I told her how much I hate it, and yet I find myself looking at it anyways. I told her that it’s like a drug that I can’t stop. I told her about the stupid and small things that trigger the urges. I told her that I can’t even watch TV without being tempted. I told her about my weakness, and my failures.

God gave me a very good woman for a wife. She didn’t freak out, and she didn’t get upset. She thanked me for being honest with her, and she told me that she understood. Wow! We talked for a little while longer about it, and then we went and got ice cream. I did not expect it to go that way!

It wasn’t easy for me to come out with that. But I’m sure that it wasn’t easy for her to hear either, even though she took it very well. It has brought us closer together, and now she can help me overcome this thing. It helps a lot to be accountable to my wife. Yes it’s a humbling experience, but I’ve found out that pride has no part in addiction recovery. I’ve learned that the moment I think that I’ve got this thing down, I will fall shortly after. Those famous words are true. “Pride goes before the fall”.

My wife wants to help me, but I have to do my part too. If I don’t go to her when I’m having the temptations, then I’m still trying to fight this thing by myself. And of course, as I’ve learned from experience, I can’t do it by myself.

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What an awesome story! It takes a lot of courage to do this and sharing your struggles is the biggest step in fighting against pornography. There is no one better to share it with than the person in your life it affects the most, your spouse.

Guys. This addiction is a serious thing that will have serious consequences in your family. If you are fortunate you can get back on track before you lose your family, but your spouse can only bear so much. I was fortunate in that my wife supported me through my recovery, but as the reader below shares, there are only so many chances.

Submitted by a reader:

I have struggled with porn addiction for many years. My wife has caught me on many occasions, but I always somehow managed to win her back. This time however, she will not listen to my apologies anymore, and says she is filing for divorce. I love her dearly and desperately want to win her back. And I want to kick this addiction for good, so that it never comes up and destroys our relationship again. But how do I once again apologize to her, and have her know how sincere I really am, and give me another chance? She has given me so many chances in the past, I’m afraid I have used them all up. Please help me win her back, and help me break this terrible addiction.

Thank you for sharing this … it shows how serious this issue truly is. Actions are often louder than words and if you want to show that you are sincere in kicking this addiction for good then in addition to apologizing you need to take the necessary steps to breaking free and rebuilding your marriage. Here are some ideas which you should consider if you haven’t already:

Step 1: Find a support group.
There are often support groups sponsored through churches where you can find others going through the same addiction. Being able to share freely within the group about the temptations you face is a huge step that will later help you share with friends and family. Joining a group and sticking with it will let your wife know that you are serious about this.

Step 2: Give your wife the keys to the computer
Have her set up a password that only she knows for accessing the computer. This will relieve you of the temptation of the computer when you are alone …. but realize that you are going to have to ask permission to use the computer which may seem awkward.

Step 3: Minimize the Temptations from Media
There is so much stuff that hits us everyday: nudity in movies, Victoria Secret models, and ads on websites. Commit to yourself to cut out even the smallest of things that might lead you back to the pornography. On the computer usually it is just a simple click on something that seems pretty harmless, the next thing you know you are looking at girls in skimpy lingerie and then you go ahead and search for the pornography. It is so easy to be trapped. If you are watching a movie choose the films wisely. I watched one last week with my wife that had a topless scene and I turned away and my wife told me when it was okay to watch …. she knows I am just protecting our relationship by not allowing myself to be tempted and she respects that.

I would strongly suggest renting the movie Fireproof. The main character struggles with pornography and his wife separates from him. He changes from a selfish to a selfless individual during his battle to break his addiction and starts truly loving his wife. If you can get past some of the cheesy parts and just get the point of how he changed in the way he loved his wife I think you will find some things to help get you back on the right track.

If I had learned this sooner, it wouldn’t have taken me ten years to win my battle with pornography:

Imagine that you were overweight and you absolutedly loved brownies.  You know you need to lose weight and really want to be healthy so you decide that you are not going to eat any more brownies.  How successful do you think you would be if you constantly had fresh baked brownies in the house?  You might resist eating them some days, but on other days the smell would just be too much to overcome.  That is how I was for a long time in my struggle with pornography.  I wanted to quit, but I never got rid of all of the garbage that surrounds us every day and so there would be days I could resist it and others when I gave in.

You are being bombarded with things that are going to fill you with desire … things you see on TV, movies, and magazines.  Even just seeing an attractive girl can cause your mind to wander.  All of this is like having those freshly baked brownies in your house — you are going to fail unless you can control your thoughts and limit what you see.  My wife and I made the choice to shut off our cable about a year back and I also avoid movies that I know are going to cause lustful desire.  I am also very aware of what I think — I had always in the past just tried to avoid the actual act of viewing the pornography, but I never tried to limit what I visualized in my mind during the day.  Now when I see an attractive woman or remember a picture or video that I had seen online I immediately redirect my thoughts and don’t let my mind dwell on the lustful things.  It takes some time, but if you can cut out the garbage that comes in from the media and if you can stop dwelling on lustful things then you will find it much easier to resist the draw to pornography.

Shared by a reader:

My husband is into hard core porn. Bondage, hitting, totally submissive women,. wants to dominate them, IM’s them, talks on the phone, ect. Any suggestions???

Barb,
I appreciate your willingness to share about this tough issue in your marriage. If you fear for your safety then I would recommend immediately seeking out local help from a counselor that can guide you through that situation.

While I can’t solve your husband’s problem (and neither can you), I can give you some guidance on how to better understand the issue he is dealing with. Most people reading this are likely disturbed by what your husband is involved with and, to be honest, my first thought was how can a marriage like this be repaired? The answer … not easily. The reason it won’t be easy is that your husband is struggling with an issue that is greatly affecting your marriage but you are the person that is having to deal with the consequences. Making the decision to provide him the support he doesn’t deserve isn’t easy. My wife did that for me and, after some time, it paid off and we have a wonderful marriage … but there are no guarantees, so you simply have to do it as an act of love without the expectation that things are going to change overnight and, perhaps, not for a very long time.

There are several keywords that you used to describe your husband’s actions that I think shed light to some of his issues: bondage, hitting, submissive women, and dominate. All of these are about being in a position of power and control. While you sometimes hear on the news about a person in a great position of power being involved in something like this, it is more common for someone to become involved in this when they feel a complete lack of control over their lives. Loss of job, financial stress, a feeling of low self-worth, past abuse, and many other issues can cause this feeling of no control and an individual will seek out a way to regain that feeling of control and power.

The lifestyle your husband is involved with provides a false feeling of power …. and it is every bit as addictive as cigarettes or drugs. It is something that typically grows more frequent and requires a greater level of stimulus over time to satisfy his craving. You may notice that when he commits one of these acts it is followed by a sense of depression and then as time passes and he advances towards the next incident he may become more volatile (more easily angered). Another thing you may notice is that he no longer cares about the things he should care about. He may know that he is destroying his life, but when dealing with addiction you typically feel like you don’t deserve anything good and it puts you into a cycle of destructive behavior.

The question remains … how can you help and what should your reaction be?

There is a big difference between supporting your husband and condoning what he is doing. To support him you have to help him realize there is a problem and guide him in a loving manner towards the solution. You will need to realize that even if he decides to get help and wants to change that there will be lapses along the way and that he will need you to pick him up when he falls. To be able to do this you have to create an open atmosphere where he won’t be afraid to let you know when he fails, otherwise it is too easy for him to slip back into the destructive cycle.

To be successful your husband is going to need to find something positive that satisfies this basic desire for control or power. You probably know your husband best and can help him find this positive substitute. If you need ideas please let me know more about your husband and the circumstances he is facing and I will be happy to brainstorm with you. As I mentioned at the start, it isn’t easy and there aren’t any guarantees but I can assure you that being active in supporting him can only help.

Shared by a reader:

My husband is addicted to pornagraphic movies he hides them and he thinks i don’t know. I know when he watches them cause the enviroment where he’s at changes. I feel so disrespected and its causing me to not want to be intimate with him. and it hurts because of a 20yr. relationship thats going down the drain. I asked him at one time and he basically ripped my head off. Im confused and don’t know where to turn.

Lynn

Thank you for posting this issue Lynn. You are in a position that a lot of women are in and it is difficult because when a man struggles with this he can often switch from a Dr. Jekyl to a Mr. Hyde.

You can get a good of idea of helpful steps that he might need to take by reading through other posts on this blog. You won’t be able to change your husband — but if he is wanting to change you can help him through the process. The important thing at this point is to realize that you are going to have to work to make changes in yourself to prepare for the road ahead. The first step is to try and understand that your husband is struggling with an issue that more than half of the men at his age (I am assuming he is in his early 40s) are going through. That doesn’t make it okay for your husband to be involved in pornography … it is just a battle of self-control that many of us lose too often.

You have every right to feel disrespected by what he is doing and it is natural to feel a loss of intimacy and want to withdraw from him. I would urge you to fight against those feelings though because withdrawing will further divide the relationship that you are trying to protect. Now is the time to reach out to him and address the issue in a loving way. It is important to pick a time when you are both in a good mood and you have plenty of time to discuss the matter. Remember that there is a reason why he hides this addiction … when someone is involved in this their feeling of self worth is basically zero, so he is going to be embarrassed and may even deny any wrong doing. It is important during this discussion to let him know that you are aware of what he is struggling with, how it makes you feel, and that you want to help battle against the problem.

You will likely be feeling a lot of emotions during this discussion, so before addressing this with him I would recommend sitting down and actually writing out a list of your goals for this discussion and what things you will avoid doing. It would be natural to want to tell him that you are really hurt by his actions and he needs to fix his problem. That would create a “me versus him” situation and it will likely lead to an argument. If you instead go into this with the attitude of “we have a problem that is going to hurt our relationship, how can we work together to eliminate this problem”, you will find that you and your husband can be on the same team working to fight against this issue together. When I struggled with my addiction I told my wife about my problem (after only 8-9 years … it took a long time and on everything else in life I am a very open person). I was very fortunate that she came along side me and asked what she could do to help. There were tears and she felt that she wasn’t enough for me (which wasn’t the case in my situation and likely isn’t the case in your husband’s situation) … but she was really amazing and became my team member to help me. Her openness allowed me to let her know when I eventually stumbled again and so when I did stumble I was able to get back on the right track again.

I would highly recommend the book I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography by Clay and Renee Crosse. It will really allow you to get a good perspective on how your husband is probably feeling. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to let me know and I will be more than happy to help.

Submitted by guest writer, Phillip

If you or someone you know is struggling with an addiction to pornography, then you know that it is a vicious battle that takes an incredible emotional toll.  Continually making, then breaking, promises to yourself; feelings of guilt and defeat; inability to conquer other issues in your life.  The battle against addiction to pornography is not trivial and so should be addressed with a serious battle strategy.

Early in my own struggle with pornography, I thought that I could be self-controlled enough to resist temptation even if it stared me right in the face.  I certainly didn’t always win, but I thought it was just that I needed to be stronger and more disciplined.  The verses that I continually thought about were James 4:7

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

And 1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

So when I would feel tempted while sitting at my computer, I would tell myself that I was strong enough to resist and bear the temptation.  Unfortunately, that was rarely the truth, and I found myself despondent and ashamed at my lack of self-control.

Later in life, still stuck in a series of successes and defeats against pornography, I found a different verse that changed my game plan entirely.

The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. ¹⁴By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. ¹⁵Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! ¹⁶Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”^{[b] 17}But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

 ¹⁸Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. ¹⁹Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

1 Corinthians 6:13-20

The whole passage contains many good reasons to break an addiction to pornography, but the verse that became my go-to is the first part of verse 18: “Flee from sexual immorality”.  At first, I glossed over this verse thinking that it was merely saying to avoid sexual immorality.  Then I realized that it is saying to actively flee and that I had missed the idea that it is God providing “a way out” as described in 1 Corinthians 10:13.  I was surprised to find that sexual immorality (pornography) is treated differently in how it should be handled than other temptation.  We are not advised to “resist” or “bear” the temptation, but rather to “flee” from it.  Although fleeing can exhibit itself in a few ways, the best way is to physically remove yourself from the temptation to a sufficient distance that you aren’t allowed to return to the temptation — turn off your computer and walk away.

Know When to Start Running

From my own experience, the times when I would transition from normal computer use immediately to extreme pornography were the exception more than the rule.  Most often, I would be tempted to look at or randomly see something that was comparatively mild and then it would escalate to a more extreme level rapidly.  Sometimes I would convince myself that fleeing (in the form of leaving my computer entirely) from something so mild was silly and that I was strong enough to keep it from progressing to the next level.  Once again, I was very often wrong.  The time to flee is always now and especially when you start internally debating if you can withstand a temptation or if something even is a temptation.

Slaves to Temptation

As a Christian, I know that those who follow Christ have been freed from slavery to sin (Romans 6:6):

For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin.

However, during the heights of my battle with pornography I was already a Christian and yet still felt like a slave to pornography.  The truth is, I had made pornography my captor and was giving it power over me.  In Arterburn & Stoeker’s book, “Every Young Man’s Battle”, there is a really good analogy (actually the whole book is good, and I would recommend it; note that the overarching focus of the book is masturbation).  Essentially, the idea is that while we are “no longer slaves of sin”, when we are forced to control sexual temptation it is like we are facing a giant sumo wrestler and we’re just a scrawny weakling.  If we continually “feed” the monster (“Mr. Sex Drive”) then we’re facing something that we can’t beat, something that we’ve created.  Here is an excerpt (modified for our uses):

“Have you ever been channel surfing and seen two Japanese sumo wrestlers going at it inside a small ring? In a sumo wrestling match, two bloated behemoths dressed in loincloth diapers (gross!) grab each other’s arms and ram shoulders until one gets knocked out of the ring.  Well, picture your battle with [pornography] as being like a sumo match.  You’re on one side of the ring, and your overgrown, bloated opponent–known as Mr. Sex Drive–is on the other.  If you knock Mr. Sex Drive out of the ring, you don’t have to [look at pornography].  If Mr. Sex Drive knocks you out of the ring you do have to [look at pornography].
You’re standing just inside the ring, wearing that silly white thong, with your arms crossed and your gritted teeth bared.  With piercing eyes, you snarl at Mr. Sex Drive to leave you alone.  Mr. Sex Drive, bloated by a billion meals of lust and fantasy, yawns and looks at his watch.  Then, appearing quite bored, he waddles over your way.  Without bothering to lock arms with you in battle, he merely swings his huge thonged rear and sends you flying against the wall, where you dutifully sit down and [look at pornography] on the spot.”

In all of our years of looking at pornography, watching television and movies with sexual content, and thinking impure thoughts, we’ve created a giant sumo wrestler of lust.  We trained our eyes to continually look for things of that nature.  As you may have found, no amount of feeding can satisfy the Sumo!

Starving the Sumo

To paraphrase, the analogy continues to say that we get angry that God gave us this sex drive and is now forcing us to try to confront it; we keep trying to fight it to no avail.  We hope that a hormone drop will shrink the sumo down to size, or that we’ll grow spiritually and be able to defeat it, but that doesn’t happen.  Then, filled with shame, you say, “I guess it’s not God’s will that I win this battle”.  Then “turning to God with pleading eyes, you cry, ‘See God? Save me from this monster! Don’t You love me?’ 

‘Of course, I love you,’ says the Creator of the universe.  ‘Don’t you love Me?’ 

‘Lord, you know that I do!’ 

‘Then starve the sumo!’” 

When we continue to look at pornography, we are keeping the desires in us too strong for us to master.  By reducing the amount of sexual content we see and think about, we reduce these desires.  In order to stop a pornography addiction, we need to also eliminate these other sources of lust and control our day-to-day thoughts.  Most of the time, it is these other inputs that spur us to worse things later in the day.

Streaking May Not Be The Answer…

One technique that I tried over the years was to try to keep a streak alive of not looking at pornography.  This, however, didn’t work to break the addiction.  Whenever I would succumb to temptation, the following days I would have less motivation to avoid giving in because I felt that I had already failed myself.  The truth is, however, that we are never going to be perfect, and our progress is not simply measured by the length of the streak since our last incident.  If you have a time of weakness, don’t give up on yourself!

Battle Strategy

1. Flee from temptation (turn off the computer, walk away)
2. Realize you are no longer a slave to sin (Jesus has freed us!)
3. Starve the sumo (that includes television ads, movies – avert your eyes!)
4. Your streak doesn’t define you.  Don’t despair when you fail.

Our sexual desires have their roots in a good thing – attraction to your current/future spouse. God didn’t give it to us as a curse but our sinful natures have perverted them and turned them into something they were never meant to be.  With a good battle plan and the freedom that comes in Christ you can break your pornography addiction.

Shared by a reader:

“I’m a sophmore in college and can’t seem to shake the habit. Truth is I’m a girl… is this normal? I just want to stop, and stop feeling the need to “have to”. I feel so bad and empty after I do. Uh, not fun. answers? suggetions? comments? anything?”

Addiction to pornography is often portrayed as a man’s problem, but many women struggle with it as well. So it is not abnormal at all to be faced with this issue as a girl in college. After reading your comment I read some articles on the internet and came across this one from a female author that discusses the rise in girls struggling with pornography: View the Article.

I also came across a blog that shares about a girl with struggled with pornography for 8 years and is now 8 years into recovery and is sharing her story at conferences (View her Blog). When reading her blog you have to sort through a lot of random posts to get to the good stuff, but I think you will find it helpful because she talks about how difficult it was to share her problem at first and then eventually she was able to overcome that and it helped her in recovering.

It is a tough problem to have in college — that is where my struggles began. College can be stressful and that can lead up to times of temptation so my advice would be to try and get as much exercise as possbile to release tension. You should also think back to what lead to the episodes where you gave in to the temptation and how those could be avoided. If it tends to happen when you feel alone perhaps calling family or friends would be a good substitute.

Shaking the habit isn’t easy, but it can be done. I really didn’t think I would get over it but here I am typing at the computer in my office at 11 pm with my wife in bed — two years ago if I was alone at the computer at night I know the thought would have at least crossed my mind to look at pornography and 90% of the time that would have led to my acting on those thoughts and feeling empty.

Shared by a reader:

“I have experienced alot of addictions in my life, tobbaco, alcohol, drugs, porn, masterbation and work. I have managed to beat the tobbaco, alcohol and drugs but I have been held captive by the other three for forty years. I know I have to work but it has been a tool for me to hide behind so no one can see my other secrets. I don’t know maybe they already know? but don’t know what to do.

I love my family very much and I would not intentualy do anything to hurt them, but this secert has taken me to a place where it seems theres nothing left. I have no spiritual help, I have pulled so far away from christ that I don’t know where to start. My work has always been something that gave me hope and the feeling of normal in one part of my life, but with this economy change, the one thing that makes life worth while is family. And I am deceiving them. This can not go on, they deserve more than this.

I know I am a good person. I know I have alot more to offer. But not with this cloud of darkness I carry everywhere I go. I’m tired, I can’t hide it any longer. This is the first act of confession I have ever in 40 years made in any form. Someone , something , please!! help me find my way to the place I need to be that will give me peace from this burden. (Its not a good place that I’m in)”

If you want relief from the burden then sharing your secret is the only option. I carried the burden of my secret for about 8 years before I realized the need to share it with my wife. There were times when I would lay in bed with my heart pounding wondering if my wife knew .. had she found out? There is no doubt in my mind that if I hadn’t broken down and told my wife that I would be carrying the same burden for 40 years.

It is apparent that you love your family, very much, and I imagine that the last thing you want to do is disappoint or hurt them. It will hurt your spouse, but she deserves the truth just like my wife deserved the truth. Addiction to pornography is really no different than having an affair so expect for her to have similar emotions and for this to be a lengthy process of healing. My wife felt like she had somehow failed or wasn’t adequate because she thought I wasn’t satisfied with her. She asked questions like what type of sites I visited, when did I visit them, how often, did I masturbate when I looked at pornography, and the topics weren’t always easy to talk about but I was always truthful. She was quick to forgive me but the hurt remained for some time. So be prepared that sharing your addiction is going to bring about pain but that it will be worth it for both you and your spouse because it will allow you to start the process of becoming the husband you want to be.

A word of caution … don’t expect that just because you shared your addiction that you are going to be freed immediately from it’s grasp. It took more than a year after I told my wife before I could finally say pornography was no longer part of my life. My problem was that I shared with her but then after a few months fell back into the same habits that ended up leading to the pornography problems (watching cable tv at night, working on the computer late at night, etc.). If I could do it all over here are the steps I would take and that I am recommending for you:

Step 1: Pray. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1-9. No matter how far we have fallen into sin Christ’s death is sufficient for us.

Step 2: Share with your spouse. When telling her about your addiction I would recommend letting her know that you are committed to seeking help and then follow through on that commitment. If you are unsure of how to share it with her then speaking with a counselor first will be beneficial.

Step 3: Get involved in some support of recovery group or see a counselor. This is what I failed to do and looking back I really wish I had gotten involved in something. A counselor is good, but if you can find someone or a group that has gone through the same struggles it will really help you.

Step 4: Cut out the garbage. I often imagine I am in a wrestling match with lust. Over the years I fed my opponent with things like: internet porngraphy, movies with sex scenes, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Editions and Victoria’s Secrets catalogs, cable tv, etc. I created a huge fat sumo wrestler as my opponent that I didn’t stand a chance against. Lust doesn’t disappear overnight, you have to starve it and it takes a long time. So try to avoid anything that is going to cause temptation and, if you are tempted, follow the Bible’s advice and flee from the temptation.

You can’t undo 40 years of addiction, but you can use the pain that it has caused to help others. The pornography industry is making money off of our addictions and with the tv shows, movies, and advertisements of today there are many others that are falling prey to the same problem. Since sharing with my wife I have shared about this addiction with my siblings, my father, a few coworkers and some friends … when my sons grow up I will share it with them. You will be surprised at how many people you know that are in your same situation and they just need someone to help out. My hope is that you will use your experience to help others escape from their addictions and to warn others who might eventually fall into the trap.

I will keep you in prayer.

Robert

Need some Advice? If anyone would like any type of advice on this topic, please email me at breakingtheaddiction@hotmail.com and I will be more than happy to reply to you. You may also Leave a Comment if you prefer.

A visitor recently posted this comment:

“My wife and I watch porn together, we love it quiet frankly. When we make love we sometimes turn on some porn and it makes the experiance more exciting, we’re not afraid or ashamed to try new things. My wife and I have a wonderful relationship and we learn new things from porn, it keeps excitement in the bedroom, I think when you lose that excitement of making love with you’re partner then the real problems of marriage occur, like infidelity and lusting for others, so I really think porn is a good thing.”

As exciting as this might seem, if you stop and really think about it you will see that doing this is like inviting cancer to start forming in your body. You aren’t going to see the negative effects of cancer right away, but eventually you are going to be faced with a life threatening problem. Watching pornography with your spouse will lead to destruction in your marriage.

I agree with the visitor that when the excitement is lost in the bedroom it increases the chances of infidelity and lusting for others. But his solution to that problem, adding pornography to stimulate the desire in the bedroom, is not going to prevent that from happening; in fact, it is going to increase the likelihood of infidelity and it already begins the issue of lusting after others. If you are watching a video of a couple having sex you are naturally going to be arroused by seeing a woman who is really enjoying everything that her man does to her in every position they do it in (read my additional thought at the end about that being a problem in itself). So during this viewing whose breasts are creating desire in you? Whose moans of delight are you hearing? Are you putting yourself in the setting as the one giving the female character that pleasure? Your wife happens to be in the room with you watching and you both are being filled with desire, but where is the desire coming from? Not from your wife.

What’s the big deal? So the desire may not be coming from your wife anymore, but you are still having great sex. As I mentioned, it is like a cancer, eventually you are going to start noticing problems and they are going to grow worse with time. Here are some problems that are going to occur:

1. You will become reliant upon the pornography for creating desire.
If you have stimulated desire by using pornography in the bedroom what happens when you don’t use it? It is pretty difficult for our natural desire to compete with that, so you will find that you are reliant on the pornography for creating the desire. Then your spouse’s role simply becomes being the logical outlet for releasing the desire the pornography has created.

2. You want to have sex but your wife isn’t interested
Guess what. You don’t need her to be filled with desire … that’s what the porn is for. When she is asleep or out of the house you can watch your video and be filled with desire. Since you know she isn’t interested right now you are going to have to find some other outlet for your release (I guess we don’t need our wives for that either).

3. Lusting for others. Infidelity problems.
Pornography = Lust. This is one thing I can guarantee; if you are watching pornography you are also lusting after others. When you see a beautiful woman at the mall, at work, or at church, your mind will gravitate towards thoughts of seeing her naked or having sex with her. What happens when you meet someone who is interested in you … will you have sex with them? If they fill you with desire then likely so.

So even if you just look at how this is going to affect your marriage you can see that it can only be destructive. There was something about your wife that you found sexually attractive when you married her — stick with that and being a good husband and there should be plenty of excitement in the bedroom.

Additional Thought: Pornography Videos vs. Real Sex I can speak from personal experience here. Great sex is nothing like what you see in movies and even less like what you see in pornographic videos. It took me years into my marriage to figure that out. Let’s be realistic — the people you see in the movies are acting and the positions they use are selected to arouse their viewers, not to satisfy their partner. So don’t be fooled into thinking that the positions or the method of sex that you see in videos are going to satisfy your spouse.

Struggling with Pornography
I was on your end of the computer for too many years searching in the late night hours for pictures and videos of things, so I think it is awesome that you are checking into this blog.    Breaking the addiction isn’t easy – you may have tried before and found yourself back in front of the computer again.  I can’t tell you how many times I thought I had victory over pornography, but in a moment of weakness I found myself sitting at the computer regretting a poor choice.  You can’t do it alone so if you want to have your life restored you are going to have to ask for help.

Step 1: Share your Struggles
Sharing about your problem with pornography can be an incredibly difficult (and embarrassing) thing to do, but it is absolutely necessary.  When you have a secret, it has a great deal of power over you.  You will be surprised at how much weight is lifted from your shoulders when you tell someone – the more people you share it with the better, plus you might find that someone you are close to is going through the same struggle and you can hold each other accountable. If you are a teenager, after finishing this article please read Teens Struggling with Pornography.

If you are married then it is necessary to share this with your wife.  Keeping any kind of secret from your spouse is harmful to your marriage, and if you allow this secret to remain it will continue to be a stumbling block for you.  When I told my wife I cried.  I knew that I had failed her.  My wife was understandably hurt when she found out but she was amazing at supporting me in dealing with the temptation.  Looking back, I know that without that moment of honesty I would still be up late indulging in things that would leave me unsatisfied.

Step 2: “If your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away.” Matthew 18:9
I am not going to suggest you tear out your eye, but the point of the verse is very clear – remove the source of temptation.  Here are some great ways to accomplish this:

1. Have your spouse or a family member create a parental block with a password that they don’t provide to you.  You can either set it up to only allow internet activity when the password is entered or to allow activity but ban any restricted sites.
2. Position your computer in an area where the screen can be seen by anyone entering the room. This relieves a lot of pressure because it makes your online visits public to whoever is in the house.
3. Get an internet monitoring service like Covenant Eyes that can email an accountability partner with updates on how you are doing.
4. Cancel your internet service – did I just say that??  Yes it seems extreme, but if you find that nothing else works then this sure beats the 5th choice of following Matthew 18:9 literally.

Step 3: Trust in God’s Promises
It was easy to conceal my addiction from my family – but guess what, God knew I was rejecting him with each decision.  So you don’t need to reveal your struggles to God, but you do need to ask forgiveness and then seek His strength in dealing with the temptation.  There are many great promises in the Bible, but one in particular keeps me going strong.  It is I Corinthians 10:13:

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.”

The first part of the verse confirms that all of the temptations I face are not unique to me – there are others that are struggling with the exact same thing.  So instead of being afraid to share about my struggles I am encouraged to share about them in the hope that people going through the same struggles won’t feel so alone.  The second part of the verse holds an amazing promise and is worth repeating: “God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.”  So no matter what you and I struggle with God has already promised that we can resist the temptation – how great is that!

What Will You Do Next?
Making the decision to turn away from pornography is an important step, but if you don’t change anything else then you will likely find yourself battling once again with temptation.   So get out a piece of paper and set a date in the next week when you will share your struggles with someone that is close to you.  On that same sheet of paper list the ways you can avoid the temptations that are causing you to stumble.  Fold up that piece of paper and keep it in your wallet or put it somewhere where you can read over it once a day.  I wasted too many of my years entrapped by pornography — my hope is that you won’t waste another day.

Comments If you have struggled with pornography and would like to share your story, respond to this article, or read the comments of other visitors go to the Comments Section. I would love for you to bookmark this page and come back in two weeks and post how you are doing — by sharing your experiences it will not only help you continue to succeed, it will also help those that are just starting.  The only thing that will be posted by your comment is your name — you may choose to leave an email address to receive follow up comments but it will not be posted on the blog.

Shared by a visitor:

“I have been reading this blog because I have a husband that I am seperated from because of porn and other issues. For all of you out there struggling … I will tell you from the propective of the “other” spouse. I knew my husband had an addiction to porn before I married him and we talked about it and he promised to stop. I thought I could fix it that our love would “fix” it. It didnt. He struggled on and off for long periods of time. Sometimes he was successful sometimes not. I begged him to tell me when he was struggling but he refused. I always found out by Checking Up on him. It was always devasting to me everytime I found out. I feel like he cheated on me everyday we were together, he never understood those feelings. He was always ashamed and made promises but it never changed. If you have someone to talk too I encourage you to do so, parent, preacher, counsler, wife, husband freind. Let them help you, if they love you they will. Dont let them find out the ways I did , It was awful and worse than the truth.”

—

Thank you for sharing this with me and the visitors to this blog. I just started reading the book I Surrender All by Clay and Renee Crosse and I would highly recommend it just based on the first 50 pages I have read. It provides a clear picture of how destructive Pornography is to the marriage relationship. The book switches back and forth between Clay and Renee’s perspective so you can get a feel for how each of them felt as they had to deal with Clay’s battle with pornography. The book might let you get a glimpse into what your husband is thinking and how his struggle with pornography might be the root cause for these other issues.

I will keep you and your husband in prayer.

Robert

I received a comment today from a visitor which I think deserves discussion.

The visitor writes:
Well I am a 17 years old male and looking at porn isn’t a bad thing. Porn is some times just expressing your feeling and not having people know that you are sexually active. I grew up without a family and I’m pretty happy with what I do. I don’t look at porn often but sometimes at a young age it’s good. Because when you have sex for the first time you will never want to stop. I’m happy with looking at it because then I know that I’m not out getting girls pregnant.

If you read the rest of my blog you will know that I believe there is nothing good that can come from pornography. I just started a book called I Surrender All by Clay Crosse. His marriage and career were being destroyed by pornography .. here is an excerpt from his book:

“I was so out of touch with God that I was able to convince myself that He was okay with my using pornography because it provided me with a “safe” release for my lust. But pornography works as a catalyst on the body. Pictures of naked women or images of people having sex on a screen ignite a fire inside that has to be satisfied. They kick the natural sex drive into hyperdrive. The sex drive itself isn’t a bad thing. God designed this drive to work inside a marriage to draw a husband and wife closer to one another in love as they become one flesh. But porn revs up this drive and excites lust, not love. God’s gift of sex within marriage leads both partners to give themselves to one another. But lust does just the opposite. It moves the focus entirely upon one’s self, so rather than wanting to give of yourself, you want to take. You want satisfaction. And because the other party in this false romance is nothing more than an image on a screen or in a magazine, the desire for satisfaction leads to masturbation. My body became conditioned to this cycle, and I began to think about sex so much that I could hardly think about anything else. I liked the feeling lust built up inside of me, and I could get it quickly with porn. All the while I told myself, ‘Well, at least Renee and I aren’t sleeping together’.”

So if you think that pornography is not so bad and that once you are married it will be easy to stop, take some advice from Clay’s words above and from me — it doesn’t stop. There is no good side to pornography.

Struggling as a Teenager
For all of you that are teenagers and struggling with pornography, my heart goes out to you.  I repeatedly tried and failed before I finally figured out that an addiction to pornography is just too big of an issue to handle alone. So I’ll get right to the point.  Since you can’t beat this alone you are going to have to share it with someone … and that someone should be one of your parents (if for some reason you don’t live with your parents, or would feel physically threatened by your parents, then tell someone that you know has your best interests at heart).  I know that sharing something like this isn’t easy and it is going to take some real guts on your end to pull it off, but I can guarantee you it is worth it.

In my struggle with pornography, it took me about six years before I shared it with anyone.  That’s a long time of feeling alone in a battle that isn’t being won.  Looking back, I wish I had shared it right when I started struggling — I would have saved so many years that were wasted in this addiction.   There were two things that kept me from sharing my addiction: I was embarrassed and I was afraid that I would be disappointing those in my family.  If this is also holding you back I want to encourage you to overcome those fears.  

Disappointing Your Parents
What will your parents’ reaction be when you share with them that you are struggling with pornography?  I can’t tell you – I have never met them so I can only tell you how I would react as a parent.  I am a father and if my son came to me and let me know that he was struggling with pornography I would have several emotions:

1. I would feel angry.  Not at my son, but at myself for not better protecting my son from the issues that the world is throwing at him.
2. I would be sad that he was struggling with this temptation alone.
3. I would be proud of him for coming to me to let me know.  It isn’t an easy thing to do and any parent will realize that.

Most parents are going to have similar feelings.  So I would encourage you to not let your fear of disappointing others get in the way of sharing about your struggles.

How Embarrassing!
Is it possible to share something that is this embarrassing with your parents?  Guess what … when I was a teenager I couldn’t have told mine … at least not verbally.  If you can, that’s great; you have more guts than I do.  Pick the parent you feel most comfortable with and let them know you need to talk with them.  If you are like me and are embarrassed to bring up the subject there is another option … writing a note or letter.  Let them know that you have struggled with pornography and need their help in getting rid of it from your life.  It doesn’t have to be long … you are just wanting to let them know the basics in the letter so later you can talk about it openly with them.  Here is an example:

The Discussion
So now you have opened up the lines of communication with a parent what should you discuss?  Start off by being honest with them on what you are viewing and when you are accessing it.  If, for example, you are struggling with pornography while they are away at work or after everyone is in bed then it would be a good idea to ask them to create a password that would be required to access the internet.  That way they can allow you to be online when they are available to monitor you.  If your computer is located in an area where the screen isn’t visible from someone walking in the room then reconfigure the computer so that anyone that comes in will see what you are looking at.  Another thing you might ask them to do is periodically check in with you to see how you are doing.  Be honest and let them know if you stumble again.  Now I know this sounds like you are putting a bunch of restrictions on yourself, but this will free you from the pressure of the temptation … so it is completely worth it.  

Here’s the Challenge
You can’t beat this alone, so keeping it a secret will only prevent you from winning the battle.  Overcome your fear and share it with a family member this week.  So grab a piece of paper and decide who you are going to share it with, when you are going to share it with them, and how you are going to share it with them.  Don’t waste any more of your life on pornography.

Comments If you would like to read comments posted by other visitors or post a comment with your opinion on this subject visit the Comments Section . If you committed to sharing this with a parent, then please bookmark this page and come back and post a comment with the results of how you feel now that you have shared your struggles. The only thing that will be posted by your comment is your name — you may choose to leave an email address to receive follow up comments but it will not be posted on the blog.

This video is of a pastor who was lost in sexual addiction for many years. It really shows how addiction destroys lives.

I came across this story while reading Pure Desire by Ted Roberts.  It is a great illustration of how someone is enticed by sin and then is unable to break free from that sin through their own efforts. It is fairly long (about a 5 minute read), but it is really good so read it through to the end.

“The Prince and the Dragon – A Parable”

There was once a great and noble King whose land was terrorized by a wicked and crafty dragon. Like a massive bird of prey, the scaly beast delighted in ravaging villages with his fiery breath. Hapless victims ran from their burning homes, only to be snatched into the dragon’s jaws or talons.

The king led his sons and knights in many valiant battles against the serpent. Riding alone in the forest, one of the King’s sons heard his name purred soft and low. Lost in thoughts of restlessness and loneliness in his father’s house, the young prince thought for a moment that he was hearing things. He felt a strange hesitation in his heart. Again, his name was called. In the shadows of the ferns and trees, curled among the boulders, lay the dragon.

The heavy-lidded eyes of the creature fastened ablaze on the prince, and the reptilian mouth stretched into a seductive smile. “Don’t be alarmed,” said the dragon, as gray wisps of smoke rose lazily from his nostrils. “I am not what your father thinks of me.” “What are you, then?” demanded the prince, instinctively drawing his sword as he pulled in the reigns to keep his frightened horse from bolting. “I am more than what you’ve been told, my prince,” said the dragon unashamedly. “I am delight; I am pleasure.”

Noticing the prince’s hesitation, the serpent cried, “Ride on my back and you will experience what few can only imagine. What no King has yet experienced! Come now…believe me, I have no harmful intentions. Truly, I seek only a friend – someone to share my flights with me. I am lonely. You understand loneliness. Have you never dreamed of flying, my prince? Never longed to soar in the clouds? Never longed to take what isn’t yours?”

The prince felt intoxicated. Was it the smoke that seemed to curl its way toward him with every word? Or was it the words themselves? Visions of soaring high above the forested hills of his father’s kingdom drew the prince hesitantly from his horse. And the dragon was stunning – captivatingly beautiful. The prince had never seen emerald so green as the dragon’s coat. As he marveled at its strange beauty, his curiosity brought him closer. Knowingly, the dragon unfurled one great webbed wing brilliantly adorned in gemstones stolen from some kingdom past. “Come, my prince. Come ride with me.” In one fateful decision, the prince sheathed his sword and placed his hands and feet on the brilliant stones, climbing atop the emerald staircase to the serpent’s back. The dragon rose immediately to its feet. The prince had been deceived of its size, for now it seemed far more powerful and immense than many horses.

The creature snapped its great wings twice launching them both into the sky. The prince’s apprehension melted into exhilaration as he felt the awesome rule of the wind beneath him and the fragrant breeze on his face…. From then on, he met the dragon often, but secretly, for how could he tell his father or brothers or the knights that he had befriended the kingdom’s greatest enemy? Quickly, the prince began to feel separate – from everyone. The kingdom’s concerns were no longer his. Even when he wasn’t stealing away secretly to be with the dragon, he spent less time with those he loved.

More and more, he spent his time alone or with the creature. The skin on the prince’s legs began to callous from gripping the dragon’s ridged back. His hands grew rough and hardened. He began wearing gloves to hide the malady. After many nights of riding he discovered scales growing on the backs of his hands as well. With dread he realized his fate were he to continue, and so he resolved to return no more to the dragon.

But, after a fortnight, he again sought out the dragon, having been tortured with desire. And so, in this way, it transpired many times over. No matter what the determination, the prince eventually found himself pulled back, as if by the cords of an invisible web. The dragon’s charms, so gentle in the beginning, now held the prince more tightly than he had the will to resist. Silently, patiently, the serpent waited…always waited. One cold, moonless night their excursion became a foray against a sleeping village.

Torching the thatched roofs with fiery blasts from his nostrils, the dragon roared with delight when the terrified victims fled from their burning homes. Swooping in, the serpent belched again, and flames engulfed a cluster of screaming villagers. The prince closed his eyes tightly in an attempt to shut out the horror and the carnage, but he could not.

Sometimes, he even allowed himself to feel the old thrill. Then, in bitter remorse, his heart sinking in shame, he tried to hide himself. But the flames of the burning village lighted on his face. In the predawn hours, when the prince crept back from his dragon trysts, the road outside his father’s castle usually remained empty. But not tonight. Terrified refugees streamed into the protective walls of the castle.

The prince attempted to slip through the crowd to close himself in his chambers, but some of the survivors stared and pointed toward him. “He was there,” one woman cried out, “I saw him on the dragon’s back!” Others nodded their heads in riotous agreement. Some only stared in disbelief and growing recognition.

Horrified, the prince saw that his father, the King, was in the courtyard holding a bloodstained and seemingly dead child in his arms; his face mirrored the agony of the child’s mother. He looked up at the angry cries, and his eyes found the prince’s. The son fled, hoping to escape into the night, but the guards apprehended him as if he were a common thief. They brought him to the great hall where his father sat solemnly on his throne. People on every side railed against the prince.

“Banish him!” he heard one of his own brothers cry out violently. “Burn him alive!” other voices shouted. “Let him burn the way he burned our children and our homes!” As the King arose from his throne, bloodstains shone darkly on his royal robes, and the crowd fell silent in expectation of his decree. The prince, who could not bear to look into his father’s face, stared down at the flagstone floor. “Take off your gloves and your tunic,” the King commanded.

Was his shame not already enough? The prince had hoped for a quick death without further humiliation. Now, he resigned himself to his fate. He obeyed slowly, agonizingly, dreading to have his metamorphosis uncovered before the kingdom. Sounds of revulsion rippled through the crowd, and parents covered their children’s eyes at the sight of the prince’s thick, scaled skin and the ridge now growing upward along his spine. Horrible! He was…could it be? The thought was so ghastly many turned away in disgust.

But the King strode toward his son. The prince steeled himself. He fully expected a back-handed blow even though he had never been struck so by his father. Instead, his father pulled him to himself, embraced him, holding him tightly…and wept.

In shocked disbelief, the prince buried his face against his father’s shoulder in a way he hadn’t done for too long. Tears began to burn down his scorched cheeks. “Do you wish to be freed from the dragon, my son?” The prince answered in despair, “Father, I’ve wished it so many times! But there remains no hope for me.” “Not alone,” said the King. “You cannot win against the serpent alone.”

“I am no longer your son! I am half beast,” sobbed the prince bitterly. He began to convulse in such cruel remorse that even the villagers pitied him. But his father replied, “My blood still runs in your veins.  My nobility has always been stamped deep within your soul.” With his face still hidden tearfully in his father’s embrace, the prince heard the King instruct the crowd, “The dragon is crafty. Some fall victim to his wiles, for he is a great deceiver. Some fall to his violence for he has only wickedness in his heart. There will be mercy for all who wish to be freed! Who else among you has ridden the dragon?”

The prince lifted his head to see someone emerge from the crowd. To his amazement, he recognized an older brother, one who had been lauded throughout the kingdom for his onslaughts against the dragon in battle and for his many good deeds.  Others came. Some came weeping. Others hung their heads in shame.

The King embraced them all. “This is our most powerful weapon against the dragon,” he announced.  “Truth. No more hidden flights. Alone we cannot resist him.”

I look at my struggles with pornography and it is clear to me that I have a sinful nature (trust me, I have no illusions that man is inherently good). In the Bible (Romans 7), Paul says “For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do – this I keep on doing.” Is that an accurate description of your struggles too? It is easy to read through the posts on this blog and say “I’m done with pornography” just to find yourself giving in to temptation a month from now. You are always going to have to deal with your sinful nature; the temptation will not go away.

I wish I could say with 100% confidence that I will never look at pornography again. It’s a battle. I am finding that the temptation is easier to resist as I share my struggles with those around me. The more I share, the more I realize that there are so many people that are desperate for help. There is no need to be ashamed. When Jesus told the prostitute “Go now and leave your life of sin” (John 8:11), do you think she went and pretended to those around her that she was perfect? My guess is that she told as many people as she could about that amazing day when Jesus gave her a new beginning.

That’s the goal behind this blog … to tell as many people as possible that I am not perfect, but I am forgiven. I am not a counselor or pastor. I just know what it is like to be entangled in a life of sin, seeking satisfaction in the wrong form. My hope is to reach out and encourage those that repeatedly fail in the struggle to overcome temptation that there is a way to overcome it and the first step is to be honest about the problem.

Here’s the Challenge: You are not alone in your struggle with pornography. If you walk into a room full of people the odds are that about half of them are currently struggling with pornography and that many more have struggled with it in their past. What kind of difference can you make in their lives? Consider sharing your struggles with those that you are close with – they may need help too.

My goal in creating this blog is to reach out to others that are caught in the addiction that I fought for 10 years. If you need some advice or just want to share your story but prefer that it be in private (not done in a comment on the blog) then please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Email: breakingtheaddiction@hotmail.com

Since there are internal spam filters on email there is a chance that using certain terms could get the email reject by hotmail. If for any reason you do not receive a response to your email within a few days please just copy and paste your email into any comment box on this blog and just include at the top “DO NOT POST” and include your email address. There aren’t any filters on the comment boxes so if for some reason the original email didn’t go through you can contact me using that method and I will not post the email on the blog.