Posted by: Rob | Monday

A Wife’s Perspective

Shared by a visitor:

“I have been reading this blog because I have a husband that I am seperated from because of porn and other issues. For all of you out there struggling … I will tell you from the propective of the “other” spouse. I knew my husband had an addiction to porn before I married him and we talked about it and he promised to stop. I thought I could fix it that our love would “fix” it. It didnt. He struggled on and off for long periods of time. Sometimes he was successful sometimes not. I begged him to tell me when he was struggling but he refused. I always found out by Checking Up on him. It was always devasting to me everytime I found out. I feel like he cheated on me everyday we were together, he never understood those feelings. He was always ashamed and made promises but it never changed. If you have someone to talk too I encourage you to do so, parent, preacher, counsler, wife, husband freind. Let them help you, if they love you they will. Dont let them find out the ways I did , It was awful and worse than the truth.”

Thank you for sharing this with me and the visitors to this blog. I just started reading the book I Surrender All by Clay and Renee Crosse and I would highly recommend it just based on the first 50 pages I have read. It provides a clear picture of how destructive Pornography is to the marriage relationship. The book switches back and forth between Clay and Renee’s perspective so you can get a feel for how each of them felt as they had to deal with Clay’s battle with pornography. The book might let you get a glimpse into what your husband is thinking and how his struggle with pornography might be the root cause for these other issues.

I will keep you and your husband in prayer.

Robert


Responses

  1. my husband is addicted to pornagraphic movies he hides them and he thinks i don’t know. I know when he watches them cause the enviroment where he’s at changes. I feel so disrespected and its causing me to not want to be intimate with him. and it hurts because of a 20yr. relationship thats going down the drain. I asked him at one time and he basically ripped my head off. Im confused and don’t know where to turn

    • Thank you for posting this issue Lynn. You are in a position that a lot of women are in and it is difficult because when a man struggles with this he can often switch from a Dr. Jekyl to a Mr. Hyde.

      You can get a good of idea of helpful steps that he might need to take by reading through other posts on this blog. You won’t be able to change your husband — but if he is wanting to change you can help him through the process. The important thing at this point is to realize that you are going to have to work to make changes in yourself to prepare for the road ahead. The first step is to try and understand that your husband is struggling with an issue that more than half of the men at his age (I am assuming he is in his early 40s) are going through. That doesn’t make it okay for your husband to be involved in pornography … it is just a battle of self-control that many of us lose too often.

      You have every right to feel disrespected by what he is doing and it is natural to feel a loss of intimacy and want to withdraw from him. I would urge you to fight against those feelings though because withdrawing will further divide the relationship that you are trying to protect. Now is the time to reach out to him and address the issue in a loving way. It is important to pick a time when you are both in a good mood and you have plenty of time to discuss the matter. Remember that there is a reason why he hides this addiction … when someone is involved in this their feeling of self worth is basically zero, so he is going to be embarrassed and may even deny any wrong doing. It is important during this discussion to let him know that you are aware of what he is struggling with, how it makes you feel, and that you want to help battle against the problem.

      You will likely be feeling a lot of emotions during this discussion, so before addressing this with him I would recommend sitting down and actually writing out a list of your goals for this discussion and what things you will avoid doing. It would be natural to want to tell him that you are really hurt by his actions and he needs to fix his problem. That would create a “me versus him” situation and it will likely lead to an argument. If you instead go into this with the attitude of “we have a problem that is going to hurt our relationship, how can we work together to eliminate this problem”, you will find that you and your husband can be on the same team working to fight against this issue together. When I struggled with my addiction I told my wife about my problem (after only 8-9 years … it took a long time and on everything else in life I am a very open person). I was very fortunate that she came along side me and asked what she could do to help. There were tears and she felt that she wasn’t enough for me (which wasn’t the case in my situation and likely isn’t the case in your husband’s situation) … but she was really amazing and became my team member to help me. Her openness allowed me to let her know when I eventually stumbled again and so when I did stumble I was able to get back on the right track again.

      I would highly recommend the book I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography by Clay and Renee Crosse. It will really allow you to get a good perspective on how your husband is probably feeling. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to let me know and I will be more than happy to give any advice I can.

  2. Those are good words of wisdom. Be open and honest. If you don’t get the outcome you expect, then keep working on it until you get the desired outcome. It happens all the time. Look for help, be honest and open, and you will discover the birth (or rebirth) of a pretty wonderful person…you!


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