Struggling with Pornography
I was on your end of the computer for too many years searching in the late night hours for pictures and videos of things, so I think it is awesome that you are checking into this blog. Breaking the addiction isn’t easy – you may have tried before and found yourself back in front of the computer again. I can’t tell you how many times I thought I had victory over pornography, but in a moment of weakness I found myself sitting at the computer regretting a poor choice. You can’t do it alone so if you want to have your life restored you are going to have to ask for help.
Step 1: Share your Struggles
Sharing about your problem with pornography can be an incredibly difficult (and embarrassing) thing to do, but it is absolutely necessary. When you have a secret, it has a great deal of power over you. You will be surprised at how much weight is lifted from your shoulders when you tell someone – the more people you share it with the better, plus you might find that someone you are close to is going through the same struggle and you can hold each other accountable. If you are a teenager, after finishing this article please read Teens Struggling with Pornography.
If you are married then it is necessary to share this with your wife. Keeping any kind of secret from your spouse is harmful to your marriage, and if you allow this secret to remain it will continue to be a stumbling block for you. When I told my wife I cried. I knew that I had failed her. My wife was understandably hurt when she found out but she was amazing at supporting me in dealing with the temptation. Looking back, I know that without that moment of honesty I would still be up late indulging in things that would leave me unsatisfied.
Step 2: “If your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away.” Matthew 18:9
I am not going to suggest you tear out your eye, but the point of the verse is very clear – remove the source of temptation. Here are some great ways to accomplish this:
- Have your spouse or a family member create a parental block with a password that they don’t provide to you. You can either set it up to only allow internet activity when the password is entered or to allow activity but ban any restricted sites.
- Position your computer in an area where the screen can be seen by anyone entering the room. This relieves a lot of pressure because it makes your online visits public to whoever is in the house.
- Get an internet monitoring service like Covenant Eyes that can email an accountability partner with updates on how you are doing.
- Cancel your internet service – did I just say that?? Yes it seems extreme, but if you find that nothing else works then this sure beats the 5th choice of following Matthew 18:9 literally.
Step 3: Trust in God’s Promises
It was easy to conceal my addiction from my family – but guess what, God knew I was rejecting him with each decision. So you don’t need to reveal your struggles to God, but you do need to ask forgiveness and then seek His strength in dealing with the temptation. There are many great promises in the Bible, but one in particular keeps me going strong. It is I Corinthians 10:13:
“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.”
The first part of the verse confirms that all of the temptations I face are not unique to me – there are others that are struggling with the exact same thing. So instead of being afraid to share about my struggles I am encouraged to share about them in the hope that people going through the same struggles won’t feel so alone. The second part of the verse holds an amazing promise and is worth repeating: “God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.” So no matter what you and I struggle with God has already promised that we can resist the temptation – how great is that!
What Will You Do Next?
Making the decision to turn away from pornography is an important step, but if you don’t change anything else then you will likely find yourself battling once again with temptation. So get out a piece of paper and set a date in the next week when you will share your struggles with someone that is close to you. On that same sheet of paper list the ways you can avoid the temptations that are causing you to stumble. Fold up that piece of paper and keep it in your wallet or put it somewhere where you can read over it once a day. I wasted too many of my years entrapped by pornography — my hope is that you won’t waste another day.
| Comments If you have struggled with pornography and would like to share your story, respond to this article, or read the comments of other visitors go to the Comments Section. I would love for you to bookmark this page and come back in two weeks and post how you are doing — by sharing your experiences it will not only help you continue to succeed, it will also help those that are just starting. The only thing that will be posted by your comment is your name — you may choose to leave an email address to receive follow up comments but it will not be posted on the blog. |
Hello all, I am a 38 yo woman with an alarming and severe addiction to sex. I have been battling this addiction since i was a child. I remember masturbating as early as 7yo. To be perfectly honest, I have no idea why or how I got this way. I do remember having a sexual experience with my sister when I was that young. At the time, I’m sure I didn’t really know what i was doing, and had no idea that it was even wrong. But since those times, I have been in a continuous war of wills with this addiction. I tried countless times to stop on my own, but in the end, the strength of my desires always won. I could and would withstand the urge for a time, but when something tramatic or depressing happened to me, I would always revert back. My addiction to sex took me to same sex encounters and one night stands. It even aided in the demise of my marriage. When I was married, I shared my sexual past with my ex husband and he used it against me. He accused me of infidelity on several occassions…initially, he was wrong. The thoughts of being w/ other people during that time, were not present. I had absolutely no desire to be unfaithful. But it seemed that his constant accusations caused their return. (obviously, they weren’t gone, but I was controlling them or so I thought) Anyway, after months of being scrutinized and rejected by my husband, I tried to fill the voids and emptiness brought on from my failing marriage, with porn, then masturbation and finally, infidelity. I didn’t physically cheat, but the thoughts were there and I had conversations with several women (in online chatrooms) in preparation to be unfaithful. I chose women because, I convinced myself that being with a woman was not cheating. I also told myself that if I did decide to go through with it and my husband found out about it, he would feel intrigued, not angry. My marriage ended shortly after I began entertaining the possibility of an affair. Ironically, I have not had a truly committed relationship since. That was 8 yrs ago. A few months after my husband and I legally separated, I begin participating in countless encounters with men and women. Shamelessly, I don’t even know how many. 2 years after that, I met a young man online that turned my world upside down. We started seeing each other strictly for sexual purposes. He developed feelings for me and because I think I had such a longing for real love, I convinced myself that I could love him, even though I didn’t truly love myself. Our relationship lasted 5 years. During the entire relationship (believe it or not) I did not become involved with anyone else…i didn’t even think about it, but he did. We moved in together after a year of casual dating, which is when I realized being with him was a horrible mistake. He brought women into our home. I found pictures of his sexual escapades and emails that were used to set up sexual encounters. (proof that you do reap what you sow.) I must have believed that I somehow deserved what he was doing to me, because I stayed with him and 4 years later, I gave birth to a baby girl. Having my daughter caused me to reevaluate my lifestyle and I ended our courtship. I felt so renewed when that happened. I felt like maybe God was giving me a second chance at finding that love and stability that I’d always longed for. I became celibate and remained that way for 2 years. I really thought that I had finally conquered this sexaul demon. I no longer viewed or searched for porn on the internet and although masturbating didn’t stop completely, it certainly declined. I was so proud of myself, that is until July 2010. That is when my exhusband contacted me and my celibacy flew out the window. I always thought that I was cheated out of my marriage. I really really loved my husband then… and a part of me feels that I still do. So many horrible things happened during our short marriage, that my sexual secrets were just the tip of the iceberg. His brother was murdered and his son, from a previous relationship, was molested. I, being young and selfish, didn’t know how to help him heal. I didn’t understand that overcoming these type of obstacles was a process, not something that would become defeated over night. And instead of our marriage getting stronger during this devastating period, it all but desinigrated before our eyes. Well, we reconnected this past summer and a sexual relationship soon developed. Since that time, my masturbation practices have soared to atleast 2 or 3 times a week, for several hrs. I have also started watching porn again and with that has come the need to actually act on my sexual urges. What is most sad to me, is that in my heart, I really don’t want to be this way but I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t mean just for a couple of months or even a few years…I want it to go away forever. I wish there was someone out there that understood what I am going through and could somehow help me. I mean, when I’m actually participating in any of these sexual activities, things are great. I completely enjoy what I am doing and i don’t give it a 2nd thought…that is until its over. Once I fulfill the urge, I feel dirty and empty. Pathetically, the way I ended up on this site, is because I had just acted on a desire and was wishing that I could undue it or atleast erase the feeling of regret. But that didn’t happen…I feel so helpless right now. Am i destined to be this way forever?
By: RDavis on January 21, 2011
at 11:06 am
I wish I had the wisdom to shed some light on what the right steps are for recovery, but my experiences don’t qualify me in this area. It sounds like you are still battling with the issues of what you experienced at a young age, things that no kid should have to deal with but too many do in today’s world. It would be best to find a good counselor that can help you pinpoint the things that are leading to this destructive behavior — I think you will find that the biggest issues are the ones that you would be most ashamed of other people finding out.
I hope that you are able to complete the battle, however long it may be, so that you can be there 100% for your daughter. You know the pain involved with this so I am sure you will do everything you can to protect her from going through the same issues.
By: Rob on January 22, 2011
at 7:39 pm
im a sophmore in college and cant seem to shake the habit. truth is im a girl… is this normal? i just want to stop, and stop feeling the need to “have to”. i feel so bad and empty after i do. uh, not fun. awnsers? suggetions? commets? anything?
By: dana on September 11, 2010
at 9:54 pm
Hi Dana,
Thank you for sharing about your struggles. There are a lot of girls that do struggle with pornography so I went ahead and put up some suggested resources for girls in your same situation — you can find those on the front page of the blog. I struggled with that same “have to” feeling — it seemed whenever I was alone my heart would race and I was drawn to the computer. Afterwards, I always had the same empty feeling like you are experiencing. One thing that helps me when I am tempted is realizing that there are people out there that are making a profit off of this industry and they really don’t care how it affects the people that are falling prey to this. If I view the pornography online I am showing support for them and helping them spread this problem to other people.
Keep your chin up and don’t get discouraged if you fail again — just pick yourself up again and keep fighting.
Rob
By: Rob on September 11, 2010
at 11:56 pm
I have experianced alot of addictions in my life, tobbaco, alcohol, drugs, porn, masterbation and work. I have managed to beat the tobbaco, alcohol and drugs but I have been held captive by the other three for forty years. I know I have to work but it has been a tool for me to hide behind so no one can see my other secrets. I don’t know maybe they already know? but don’t know what to do.I love my family very much and I would not intentualy do anything to hurt them , but this secert has taken me to a place where it seems theres nothing left. I have no spiritual help, I have pulled so far away from christ that I don’t know where to start. My work has always been something that gave me hope and the feeling of normal in one part of my life, but with this economy change, the one thing that makes life worth while is family. And I am decieving them. This can not go on, they desirve more than this. I know I am a good person . I know I have alot more to offer. But not with this cloud of darkness I carry everywhere I go. I’m tired, I can’t hide it any longer. This is the first act of congession I have ever in 40 years made in any form. Someone , something , please!! help me find my way to the place I need to be that will give me peace from this burden. ( Its not a good place that I’m in )
By: Rb on September 6, 2010
at 11:10 am
It is a huge burden to carry so I am glad that you are taking the first step to getting rid of this problem. I started a reply to you and it just became so long that I made it into a post. You can see it at: http://breakingtheaddiction.wordpress.com/2010/09/06/the-burden-of-the-secret/
Your family needs you and you can still become the person you want to be. God never promises it will be easy, but he does promise that you can beat it. Write down the I Corinthians 10:13 verse and keep it in your wallet:
“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.”
By: Rob on September 12, 2010
at 7:38 am
Thanks be to God. And blessings to the author. I have struggled for years and just before I fell to temptation again this link caught my eyes. And I was struck by conviction and my desires to be free of this sin. I almost cried I was so happy that I realized I CAN win!!! I CAN beat this!
By: RigsB on August 30, 2010
at 10:02 pm
Rob, your summary is brilliant and doable. It confirms what I have been thinking. I began applying some of the principles yesterday and now can apply the rest starting today and everyday thereafter. I’ve made appointments with a counselor, have talked to close friends and have been open with them. Thank you so much for sharing this terrific insight. I know it will work.
By: Bob on August 5, 2010
at 6:51 am
Hi Bob,
It is encouraging to hear that you are taking action against the problem. It is often a gradual process, so keep your chin up if you stumble. I wish you the best!
Rob
By: Rob on August 5, 2010
at 8:54 pm
Thanks Rob. The reality is I now see the person I used to be coming back (the one before all this garbage happened), and that is exciting to see. I often wondered how I lost my positive attitude and good nature. Now I see why. Keep up the good job on your website. I’ll keep you posted from time to time. The truth I live now wards off all the dragons.
By: Bob on August 6, 2010
at 7:08 am
I have been reading this blog because I have a husband that I am seperated from because of porn and other issues. For all of you out there struggling… I will tell you from the propective of the “other” spouse. I knew my husband has a addiction to porn before I married him and we talked about it and he promised to stop. I thought I could fix it that our love would “fix” it. It didnt. He struggled on and off for long periods of time . Sometimes he was successful sometimes not. I begged him to tell me when he was struggling but he refused. I always found out by Checking Up on him. It was always devasting to me everytime I found out. I feel like he cheated on me everyday we were together, he never understood those feelings. He was always ashamed and made promises but it never changed. If you have someone to talk too I encourage you to do so, parent, preacher, counsler, wife, husband freind. Let them help you, if they love you they will. Dont let them find out the ways I did , It was awful and worse than the truth.
By: S. Moore on August 4, 2010
at 5:59 pm
I am struggling with this problem. It’s been going on for several months. I stopped for a few weeks and now I can’t stop! Help!
By: Skyler on June 11, 2010
at 8:08 pm
How’s this sound? Do you want to do this for the rest of your life? Looking for new highs? Do you want to always have to hide this behavior? Do you always want to skirt around the fringes of legality? Or outright break the law?
Wouldn’t you rather let your true personality and potential blossom? Don’t have such little faith in yourself when you have such great potential. The majority of people who feel incapable, impoverished, refuse to believe in themselves and their potential. Is this you?
By: Bob on August 6, 2010
at 4:50 pm
What would we do if it was our iPod that we are looking at pornography with?
(Response)
Hi Shaun,
There are many great things about technology and the internet. It is unfortunate that with those great things we have to put up with the widespread pornography. If your ipod is causing you to stumble you need to give it up until you are strong enough to resist the temptation. I read your other comment and think it is great that you are going to share your struggles with your dad. When you share with him request that he hold onto your ipod for a month and then allow you to use it under his supervision until you no longer feel the draw to the temptation.
Rob
By: Shaun on May 29, 2010
at 9:59 pm
Thanks for the good advice. I will let my dad hold my iPod for a month or more so that I won’t get tempted again for a very long time( hopefully never).
By: Shaun on May 31, 2010
at 7:01 pm