Shared by a reader:
My husband is addicted to pornagraphic movies he hides them and he thinks i don’t know. I know when he watches them cause the enviroment where he’s at changes. I feel so disrespected and its causing me to not want to be intimate with him. and it hurts because of a 20yr. relationship thats going down the drain. I asked him at one time and he basically ripped my head off. Im confused and don’t know where to turn.
Lynn
Thank you for posting this issue Lynn. You are in a position that a lot of women are in and it is difficult because when a man struggles with this he can often switch from a Dr. Jekyl to a Mr. Hyde.
You can get a good of idea of helpful steps that he might need to take by reading through other posts on this blog. You won’t be able to change your husband — but if he is wanting to change you can help him through the process. The important thing at this point is to realize that you are going to have to work to make changes in yourself to prepare for the road ahead. The first step is to try and understand that your husband is struggling with an issue that more than half of the men at his age (I am assuming he is in his early 40s) are going through. That doesn’t make it okay for your husband to be involved in pornography … it is just a battle of self-control that many of us lose too often.
You have every right to feel disrespected by what he is doing and it is natural to feel a loss of intimacy and want to withdraw from him. I would urge you to fight against those feelings though because withdrawing will further divide the relationship that you are trying to protect. Now is the time to reach out to him and address the issue in a loving way. It is important to pick a time when you are both in a good mood and you have plenty of time to discuss the matter. Remember that there is a reason why he hides this addiction … when someone is involved in this their feeling of self worth is basically zero, so he is going to be embarrassed and may even deny any wrong doing. It is important during this discussion to let him know that you are aware of what he is struggling with, how it makes you feel, and that you want to help battle against the problem.
You will likely be feeling a lot of emotions during this discussion, so before addressing this with him I would recommend sitting down and actually writing out a list of your goals for this discussion and what things you will avoid doing. It would be natural to want to tell him that you are really hurt by his actions and he needs to fix his problem. That would create a “me versus him” situation and it will likely lead to an argument. If you instead go into this with the attitude of “we have a problem that is going to hurt our relationship, how can we work together to eliminate this problem”, you will find that you and your husband can be on the same team working to fight against this issue together. When I struggled with my addiction I told my wife about my problem (after only 8-9 years … it took a long time and on everything else in life I am a very open person). I was very fortunate that she came along side me and asked what she could do to help. There were tears and she felt that she wasn’t enough for me (which wasn’t the case in my situation and likely isn’t the case in your husband’s situation) … but she was really amazing and became my team member to help me. Her openness allowed me to let her know when I eventually stumbled again and so when I did stumble I was able to get back on the right track again.
I would highly recommend the book I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography by Clay and Renee Crosse. It will really allow you to get a good perspective on how your husband is probably feeling. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to let me know and I will be more than happy to help.
My husband is into hard core porn. Bondage, hitting, totally submissive women,.
wants to dominate them, IM’s them, talks on the phone, ect
any suggestions???
By: barb on May 19, 2011
at 4:06 am
Barb,
I appreciate your willingness to share about this tough issue in your marriage. If you fear for your safety then I would recommend immediately seeking out local help from a counselor that can guide you through that situation.
While I can’t solve your husband’s problem (and neither can you), I can give you some guidance on how to better understand the issue he is dealing with. Most people reading this are likely disturbed by what your husband is involved with and, to be honest, my first thought was how can a marriage like this be repaired? The answer … not easily. The reason it won’t be easy is that your husband is struggling with an issue that is greatly affecting your marriage but you are the person that is having to deal with the consequences. Making the decision to provide him the support he doesn’t deserve isn’t easy. My wife did that for me and, after some time, it paid off and we have a wonderful marriage … but there are no guarantees, so you simply have to do it as an act of love without the expectation that things are going to change overnight and, perhaps, not for a very long time.
There are several keywords that you used to describe your husband’s actions that I think shed light to some of his issues: bondage, hitting, submissive women, and dominate. All of these are about being in a position of power and control. While you sometimes hear on the news about a person in a great position of power being involved in something like this, it is more common for someone to become involved in this when they feel a complete lack of control over their lives. Loss of job, financial stress, a feeling of low self-worth, past abuse, and many other issues can cause this feeling of no control and an individual will seek out a way to regain that feeling of control and power.
The lifestyle your husband is involved with provides a false feeling of power …. and it is every bit as addictive as cigarettes or drugs. It is something that typically grows more frequent and requires a greater level of stimulus over time to satisfy his craving. You may notice that when he commits one of these acts it is followed by a sense of depression and then as time passes and he advances towards the next incident he may become more volatile (more easily angered). Another thing you may notice is that he no longer cares about the things he should care about. He may know that he is destroying his life, but when dealing with addiction you typically feel like you don’t deserve anything good and it puts you into a cycle of destructive behavior.
The question remains … how can you help and what should your reaction be?
There is a big difference between supporting your husband and condoning what he is doing. To support him you have to help him realize there is a problem and guide him in a loving manner towards the solution. You will need to realize that even if he decides to get help and wants to change that there will be lapses along the way and that he will need you to pick him up when he falls. To be able to do this you have to create an open atmosphere where he won’t be afraid to let you know when he fails, otherwise it is too easy for him to slip back into the destructive cycle.
To be successful your husband is going to need to find something positive that satisfies this basic desire for control or power. You probably know your husband best and can help him find this positive substitute. If you need ideas please let me know more about your husband and the circumstances he is facing and I will be happy to brainstorm with you. As I mentioned at the start, it isn’t easy and there aren’t any guarantees but I can assure you that being active in supporting him can only help.
By: Rob on May 20, 2011
at 5:12 pm