Shared by a reader:
My husband is into hard core porn. Bondage, hitting, totally submissive women,. wants to dominate them, IM’s them, talks on the phone, ect. Any suggestions???
Barb,
I appreciate your willingness to share about this tough issue in your marriage. If you fear for your safety then I would recommend immediately seeking out local help from a counselor that can guide you through that situation.
While I can’t solve your husband’s problem (and neither can you), I can give you some guidance on how to better understand the issue he is dealing with. Most people reading this are likely disturbed by what your husband is involved with and, to be honest, my first thought was how can a marriage like this be repaired? The answer … not easily. The reason it won’t be easy is that your husband is struggling with an issue that is greatly affecting your marriage but you are the person that is having to deal with the consequences. Making the decision to provide him the support he doesn’t deserve isn’t easy. My wife did that for me and, after some time, it paid off and we have a wonderful marriage … but there are no guarantees, so you simply have to do it as an act of love without the expectation that things are going to change overnight and, perhaps, not for a very long time.
There are several keywords that you used to describe your husband’s actions that I think shed light to some of his issues: bondage, hitting, submissive women, and dominate. All of these are about being in a position of power and control. While you sometimes hear on the news about a person in a great position of power being involved in something like this, it is more common for someone to become involved in this when they feel a complete lack of control over their lives. Loss of job, financial stress, a feeling of low self-worth, past abuse, and many other issues can cause this feeling of no control and an individual will seek out a way to regain that feeling of control and power.
The lifestyle your husband is involved with provides a false feeling of power …. and it is every bit as addictive as cigarettes or drugs. It is something that typically grows more frequent and requires a greater level of stimulus over time to satisfy his craving. You may notice that when he commits one of these acts it is followed by a sense of depression and then as time passes and he advances towards the next incident he may become more volatile (more easily angered). Another thing you may notice is that he no longer cares about the things he should care about. He may know that he is destroying his life, but when dealing with addiction you typically feel like you don’t deserve anything good and it puts you into a cycle of destructive behavior.
The question remains … how can you help and what should your reaction be?
There is a big difference between supporting your husband and condoning what he is doing. To support him you have to help him realize there is a problem and guide him in a loving manner towards the solution. You will need to realize that even if he decides to get help and wants to change that there will be lapses along the way and that he will need you to pick him up when he falls. To be able to do this you have to create an open atmosphere where he won’t be afraid to let you know when he fails, otherwise it is too easy for him to slip back into the destructive cycle.
To be successful your husband is going to need to find something positive that satisfies this basic desire for control or power. You probably know your husband best and can help him find this positive substitute. If you need ideas please let me know more about your husband and the circumstances he is facing and I will be happy to brainstorm with you. As I mentioned at the start, it isn’t easy and there aren’t any guarantees but I can assure you that being active in supporting him can only help.
