Guys. This addiction is a serious thing that will have serious consequences in your family. If you are fortunate you can get back on track before you lose your family, but your spouse can only bear so much. I was fortunate in that my wife supported me through my recovery, but as the reader below shares, there are only so many chances.
Submitted by a reader:
I have struggled with porn addiction for many years. My wife has caught me on many occasions, but I always somehow managed to win her back. This time however, she will not listen to my apologies anymore, and says she is filing for divorce. I love her dearly and desperately want to win her back. And I want to kick this addiction for good, so that it never comes up and destroys our relationship again. But how do I once again apologize to her, and have her know how sincere I really am, and give me another chance? She has given me so many chances in the past, I’m afraid I have used them all up. Please help me win her back, and help me break this terrible addiction.
Thank you for sharing this … it shows how serious this issue truly is. Actions are often louder than words and if you want to show that you are sincere in kicking this addiction for good then in addition to apologizing you need to take the necessary steps to breaking free and rebuilding your marriage. Here are some ideas which you should consider if you haven’t already:
Step 1: Find a support group.
There are often support groups sponsored through churches where you can find others going through the same addiction. Being able to share freely within the group about the temptations you face is a huge step that will later help you share with friends and family. Joining a group and sticking with it will let your wife know that you are serious about this.
Step 2: Give your wife the keys to the computer
Have her set up a password that only she knows for accessing the computer. This will relieve you of the temptation of the computer when you are alone …. but realize that you are going to have to ask permission to use the computer which may seem awkward.
Step 3: Minimize the Temptations from Media
There is so much stuff that hits us everyday: nudity in movies, Victoria Secret models, and ads on websites. Commit to yourself to cut out even the smallest of things that might lead you back to the pornography. On the computer usually it is just a simple click on something that seems pretty harmless, the next thing you know you are looking at girls in skimpy lingerie and then you go ahead and search for the pornography. It is so easy to be trapped. If you are watching a movie choose the films wisely. I watched one last week with my wife that had a topless scene and I turned away and my wife told me when it was okay to watch …. she knows I am just protecting our relationship by not allowing myself to be tempted and she respects that.
I would strongly suggest renting the movie Fireproof. The main character struggles with pornography and his wife separates from him. He changes from a selfish to a selfless individual during his battle to break his addiction and starts truly loving his wife. If you can get past some of the cheesy parts and just get the point of how he changed in the way he loved his wife I think you will find some things to help get you back on the right track.
personally, i believe that communication is the missing factor in your dilemma. from the many times that you have apologized and she accepted, within ur heart, the need for porn was still rampid. and from a woman’s perspective, the lack of trust between the 2 of u was still controlling her thoughts. i believe that the knowledge of ur previous behavior solidified within her heart that ur desires were too strong to conquer. therefore, putting your marriage in a sinking ship w/ no rescue in sight.
by nature, women need stability. not just financial, but emotional and mental. without those things we can not function in our daily lives. what i think ur wife really has issues with isn’t just the fact that u like to watch porn, i believe her insecurities go much deeper. she probably feels that ur need to watch porn somehow makes her inferior. i can imagine that she has often implied that b/c u watch porn, u are no longer attracted to her. & trust me, this type of thinking causes an array of issues to develop. self-esteem, self-worth, the validity of ur marriage, & a host of other ridiculous questions that i am sure have been thrust upon u. women are very complicated creatures. where as men act quite often without thought, women are mirrored opposites. she probably spends hours, days even, wondering what ur doing & whether or not u’ve taken ur love for porn to the next level. in my opinion, the only hope u have of saving ur marriage is by bearing your soul. u have got to tell her everything & i do mean EVERYTHING! obviously, she loves and wants her marriage. if she didn’t, she would have disappeared a long time ago. i would be willing to bet that she is praying that u will do something to renew her faith in u & the marriage she vowed to maintain. sit her down & tell her from beginning to end how this addiction has claimed u. u may find that ur honesty may free u & breathe new life into the union u so desperately want to keep. and even if it doesn’t save ur marriage, i think it will save u. it is easier to let go of something when it is no longer hidden. with that being said, being forced into self-awareness may lead u to the reasons for ur addiction & the antidote.
please understand that i can only give this type of advice b/c i too have an addiction. it didn’t ruin a marriage, but its a reality that i battle regularly. stay focused and motivated, everything will work out for u. my prayers are with you and ur family.
By: rebecca on June 12, 2011
at 11:47 pm
If any one out there can give me feed back on men who go beyond the internet porn. Such as the paid eb sights that you IM women. Talk about what he is going to do to them, rough, dominate sex. Has my husband gone beyond porn addiction?????
By: barb on June 8, 2011
at 6:12 pm
When you start involving IM you are taking the next step beyond the addiction to pornography. I think a great resource for you would be the blog for women that can be found on Pure Life Ministries’ website. The blog has pages of questions from women that are seeking advice on how to deal with their husbands’s sexual addiction.
By: Rob on June 8, 2011
at 8:22 pm
I took your advice and told my wife that I have been looking at online porn. I also had to tell her that I have been addicted to porn since I was very young. I spilled it all. I told her how much I hate it, and yet I find myself looking at it anyways. I told her that it’s like a drug that I can’t stop. I told her about the stupid and small things that trigger the urges. I told her that I can’t even watch TV without being tempted. I told her about my weakness, and my failures.
God gave me a very good woman for a wife. She didn’t freak out, and she didn’t get upset. She thanked me for being honest with her, and she told me that she understood. Wow! We talked for a little while longer about it, and then we went and got ice cream. I did not expect it to go that way! It wasn’t easy for me to come out with that. But I’m sure that it wasn’t easy for her to hear either, even though she took it very well. It has brought us closer together, and now she can help me overcome this thing.
It helps a lot to be accountable to my wife. Yes it’s a humbling experience, but I’ve found out that pride has no part in addiction recovery. I’ve learned that the moment I think that I’ve got this thing down, I will fall shortly after. Those famous words are true. “Pride goes before the fall”.
My wife wants to help me, but I have to do my part too. If I don’t go to her when I’m having the temptations, then I’m still trying to fight this thing by myself. And of course, as I’ve learned from experience, I can’t do it by myself. To be honest, if I hadn’t of found this site, I probably would have kept this secret for God knows how long. Thank you. Your ministry is a blessing to a lot of people. My family is proof of that. God bless you my friend!
By: j on June 7, 2011
at 6:10 pm
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to come back to my blog to post this comment. It was such an encouragement to me and I know that this comment will really help others take the step that you just made.
By: Rob on June 7, 2011
at 9:28 pm