I took your advice and told my wife that I have been looking at online porn. I also had to tell her that I have been addicted to porn since I was very young. I spilled it all. I told her how much I hate it, and yet I find myself looking at it anyways. I told her that it’s like a drug that I can’t stop. I told her about the stupid and small things that trigger the urges. I told her that I can’t even watch TV without being tempted. I told her about my weakness, and my failures.

My wife wants to help me, but I have to do my part too. If I don’t go to her when I’m having the temptations, then I’m still trying to fight this thing by myself. And of course, as I’ve learned from experience, I can’t do it by myself.

What an awesome story! It takes a lot of courage to do this and sharing your struggles is the biggest step in fighting against pornography. There is no one better to share it with than the person in your life it affects the most, your spouse.

Submitted by a reader:

I have struggled with porn addiction for many years. My wife has caught me on many occasions, but I always somehow managed to win her back. This time however, she will not listen to my apologies anymore, and says she is filing for divorce. I love her dearly and desperately want to win her back. And I want to kick this addiction for good, so that it never comes up and destroys our relationship again. But how do I once again apologize to her, and have her know how sincere I really am, and give me another chance? She has given me so many chances in the past, I’m afraid I have used them all up. Please help me win her back, and help me break this terrible addiction.

Thank you for sharing this … it shows how serious this issue truly is. Actions are often louder than words and if you want to show that you are sincere in kicking this addiction for good then in addition to apologizing you need to take the necessary steps to breaking free and rebuilding your marriage. Here are some ideas which you should consider if you haven’t already:

Step 1: Find a support group.
There are often support groups sponsored through churches where you can find others going through the same addiction. Being able to share freely within the group about the temptations you face is a huge step that will later help you share with friends and family. Joining a group and sticking with it will let your wife know that you are serious about this.

Step 2: Give your wife the keys to the computer
Have her set up a password that only she knows for accessing the computer. This will relieve you of the temptation of the computer when you are alone …. but realize that you are going to have to ask permission to use the computer which may seem awkward.

Step 3: Minimize the Temptations from Media
There is so much stuff that hits us everyday: nudity in movies, Victoria Secret models, and ads on websites. Commit to yourself to cut out even the smallest of things that might lead you back to the pornography. On the computer usually it is just a simple click on something that seems pretty harmless, the next thing you know you are looking at girls in skimpy lingerie and then you go ahead and search for the pornography. It is so easy to be trapped. If you are watching a movie choose the films wisely. I watched one last week with my wife that had a topless scene and I turned away and my wife told me when it was okay to watch …. she knows I am just protecting our relationship by not allowing myself to be tempted and she respects that.

I would strongly suggest renting the movie Fireproof. The main character struggles with pornography and his wife separates from him. He changes from a selfish to a selfless individual during his battle to break his addiction and starts truly loving his wife. If you can get past some of the cheesy parts and just get the point of how he changed in the way he loved his wife I think you will find some things to help get you back on the right track.

Imagine that you were overweight and you absolutedly loved brownies.  You know you need to lose weight and really want to be healthy so you decide that you are not going to eat any more brownies.  How successful do you think you would be if you constantly had fresh baked brownies in the house?  You might resist eating them some days, but on other days the smell would just be too much to overcome.  That is how I was for a long time in my struggle with pornography.  I wanted to quit, but I never got rid of all of the garbage that surrounds us every day and so there would be days I could resist it and others when I gave in.

You are being bombarded with things that are going to fill you with desire … things you see on TV, movies, and magazines.  Even just seeing an attractive girl can cause your mind to wander.  All of this is like having those freshly baked brownies in your house — you are going to fail unless you can control your thoughts and limit what you see.  My wife and I made the choice to shut off our cable about a year back and I also avoid movies that I know are going to cause lustful desire.  I am also very aware of what I think — I had always in the past just tried to avoid the actual act of viewing the pornography, but I never tried to limit what I visualized in my mind during the day.  Now when I see an attractive woman or remember a picture or video that I had seen online I immediately redirect my thoughts and don’t let my mind dwell on the lustful things.  It takes some time, but if you can cut out the garbage that comes in from the media and if you can stop dwelling on lustful things then you will find it much easier to resist the draw to pornography.

My husband is into hard core porn. Bondage, hitting, totally submissive women,. wants to dominate them, IM’s them, talks on the phone, ect. Any suggestions???

Barb,
I appreciate your willingness to share about this tough issue in your marriage. If you fear for your safety then I would recommend immediately seeking out local help from a counselor that can guide you through that situation.

While I can’t solve your husband’s problem (and neither can you), I can give you some guidance on how to better understand the issue he is dealing with. Most people reading this are likely disturbed by what your husband is involved with and, to be honest, my first thought was how can a marriage like this be repaired? The answer … not easily. The reason it won’t be easy is that your husband is struggling with an issue that is greatly affecting your marriage but you are the person that is having to deal with the consequences. Making the decision to provide him the support he doesn’t deserve isn’t easy. My wife did that for me and, after some time, it paid off and we have a wonderful marriage … but there are no guarantees, so you simply have to do it as an act of love without the expectation that things are going to change overnight and, perhaps, not for a very long time.

There are several keywords that you used to describe your husband’s actions that I think shed light to some of his issues: bondage, hitting, submissive women, and dominate. All of these are about being in a position of power and control. While you sometimes hear on the news about a person in a great position of power being involved in something like this, it is more common for someone to become involved in this when they feel a complete lack of control over their lives. Loss of job, financial stress, a feeling of low self-worth, past abuse, and many other issues can cause this feeling of no control and an individual will seek out a way to regain that feeling of control and power.

The lifestyle your husband is involved with provides a false feeling of power …. and it is every bit as addictive as cigarettes or drugs. It is something that typically grows more frequent and requires a greater level of stimulus over time to satisfy his craving. You may notice that when he commits one of these acts it is followed by a sense of depression and then as time passes and he advances towards the next incident he may become more volatile (more easily angered). Another thing you may notice is that he no longer cares about the things he should care about. He may know that he is destroying his life, but when dealing with addiction you typically feel like you don’t deserve anything good and it puts you into a cycle of destructive behavior.

The question remains … how can you help and what should your reaction be?

There is a big difference between supporting your husband and condoning what he is doing. To support him you have to help him realize there is a problem and guide him in a loving manner towards the solution. You will need to realize that even if he decides to get help and wants to change that there will be lapses along the way and that he will need you to pick him up when he falls. To be able to do this you have to create an open atmosphere where he won’t be afraid to let you know when he fails, otherwise it is too easy for him to slip back into the destructive cycle.

To be successful your husband is going to need to find something positive that satisfies this basic desire for control or power. You probably know your husband best and can help him find this positive substitute. If you need ideas please let me know more about your husband and the circumstances he is facing and I will be happy to brainstorm with you. As I mentioned at the start, it isn’t easy and there aren’t any guarantees but I can assure you that being active in supporting him can only help.

My husband is addicted to pornagraphic movies he hides them and he thinks i don’t know. I know when he watches them cause the enviroment where he’s at changes. I feel so disrespected and its causing me to not want to be intimate with him. and it hurts because of a 20yr. relationship thats going down the drain. I asked him at one time and he basically ripped my head off. Im confused and don’t know where to turn.

Lynn

Thank you for posting this issue Lynn. You are in a position that a lot of women are in and it is difficult because when a man struggles with this he can often switch from a Dr. Jekyl to a Mr. Hyde.

You can get a good of idea of helpful steps that he might need to take by reading through other posts on this blog. You won’t be able to change your husband — but if he is wanting to change you can help him through the process. The important thing at this point is to realize that you are going to have to work to make changes in yourself to prepare for the road ahead. The first step is to try and understand that your husband is struggling with an issue that more than half of the men at his age (I am assuming he is in his early 40s) are going through. That doesn’t make it okay for your husband to be involved in pornography … it is just a battle of self-control that many of us lose too often.

You have every right to feel disrespected by what he is doing and it is natural to feel a loss of intimacy and want to withdraw from him. I would urge you to fight against those feelings though because withdrawing will further divide the relationship that you are trying to protect. Now is the time to reach out to him and address the issue in a loving way. It is important to pick a time when you are both in a good mood and you have plenty of time to discuss the matter. Remember that there is a reason why he hides this addiction … when someone is involved in this their feeling of self worth is basically zero, so he is going to be embarrassed and may even deny any wrong doing. It is important during this discussion to let him know that you are aware of what he is struggling with, how it makes you feel, and that you want to help battle against the problem.

You will likely be feeling a lot of emotions during this discussion, so before addressing this with him I would recommend sitting down and actually writing out a list of your goals for this discussion and what things you will avoid doing. It would be natural to want to tell him that you are really hurt by his actions and he needs to fix his problem. That would create a “me versus him” situation and it will likely lead to an argument. If you instead go into this with the attitude of “we have a problem that is going to hurt our relationship, how can we work together to eliminate this problem”, you will find that you and your husband can be on the same team working to fight against this issue together. When I struggled with my addiction I told my wife about my problem (after only 8-9 years … it took a long time and on everything else in life I am a very open person). I was very fortunate that she came along side me and asked what she could do to help. There were tears and she felt that she wasn’t enough for me (which wasn’t the case in my situation and likely isn’t the case in your husband’s situation) … but she was really amazing and became my team member to help me. Her openness allowed me to let her know when I eventually stumbled again and so when I did stumble I was able to get back on the right track again.

I would highly recommend the book I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography by Clay and Renee Crosse. It will really allow you to get a good perspective on how your husband is probably feeling. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to let me know and I will be more than happy to help.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an addiction to pornography, then you know that it is a vicious battle that takes an incredible emotional toll.  Continually making, then breaking, promises to yourself; feelings of guilt and defeat; inability to conquer other issues in your life.  The battle against addiction to pornography is not trivial and so should be addressed with a serious battle strategy.

Early in my own struggle with pornography, I thought that I could be self-controlled enough to resist temptation even if it stared me right in the face.  I certainly didn’t always win, but I thought it was just that I needed to be stronger and more disciplined.  The verses that I continually thought about were James 4:7

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

And 1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

So when I would feel tempted while sitting at my computer, I would tell myself that I was strong enough to resist and bear the temptation.  Unfortunately, that was rarely the truth, and I found myself despondent and ashamed at my lack of self-control.

Later in life, still stuck in a series of successes and defeats against pornography, I found a different verse that changed my game plan entirely.

The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. ¹⁴By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. ¹⁵Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! ¹⁶Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”^{[b] 17}But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

 ¹⁸Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. ¹⁹Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

1 Corinthians 6:13-20

The whole passage contains many good reasons to break an addiction to pornography, but the verse that became my go-to is the first part of verse 18: “Flee from sexual immorality”.  At first, I glossed over this verse thinking that it was merely saying to avoid sexual immorality.  Then I realized that it is saying to actively flee and that I had missed the idea that it is God providing “a way out” as described in 1 Corinthians 10:13.  I was surprised to find that sexual immorality (pornography) is treated differently in how it should be handled than other temptation.  We are not advised to “resist” or “bear” the temptation, but rather to “flee” from it.  Although fleeing can exhibit itself in a few ways, the best way is to physically remove yourself from the temptation to a sufficient distance that you aren’t allowed to return to the temptation — turn off your computer and walk away.

Know When to Start Running

From my own experience, the times when I would transition from normal computer use immediately to extreme pornography were the exception more than the rule.  Most often, I would be tempted to look at or randomly see something that was comparatively mild and then it would escalate to a more extreme level rapidly.  Sometimes I would convince myself that fleeing (in the form of leaving my computer entirely) from something so mild was silly and that I was strong enough to keep it from progressing to the next level.  Once again, I was very often wrong.  The time to flee is always now and especially when you start internally debating if you can withstand a temptation or if something even is a temptation.

Slaves to Temptation

As a Christian, I know that those who follow Christ have been freed from slavery to sin (Romans 6:6):

For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin.

However, during the heights of my battle with pornography I was already a Christian and yet still felt like a slave to pornography.  The truth is, I had made pornography my captor and was giving it power over me.  In Arterburn & Stoeker’s book, “Every Young Man’s Battle”, there is a really good analogy (actually the whole book is good, and I would recommend it; note that the overarching focus of the book is masturbation).  Essentially, the idea is that while we are “no longer slaves of sin”, when we are forced to control sexual temptation it is like we are facing a giant sumo wrestler and we’re just a scrawny weakling.  If we continually “feed” the monster (“Mr. Sex Drive”) then we’re facing something that we can’t beat, something that we’ve created.  Here is an excerpt (modified for our uses):

“Have you ever been channel surfing and seen two Japanese sumo wrestlers going at it inside a small ring? In a sumo wrestling match, two bloated behemoths dressed in loincloth diapers (gross!) grab each other’s arms and ram shoulders until one gets knocked out of the ring.  Well, picture your battle with [pornography] as being like a sumo match.  You’re on one side of the ring, and your overgrown, bloated opponent–known as Mr. Sex Drive–is on the other.  If you knock Mr. Sex Drive out of the ring, you don’t have to [look at pornography].  If Mr. Sex Drive knocks you out of the ring you do have to [look at pornography].
You’re standing just inside the ring, wearing that silly white thong, with your arms crossed and your gritted teeth bared.  With piercing eyes, you snarl at Mr. Sex Drive to leave you alone.  Mr. Sex Drive, bloated by a billion meals of lust and fantasy, yawns and looks at his watch.  Then, appearing quite bored, he waddles over your way.  Without bothering to lock arms with you in battle, he merely swings his huge thonged rear and sends you flying against the wall, where you dutifully sit down and [look at pornography] on the spot.”

In all of our years of looking at pornography, watching television and movies with sexual content, and thinking impure thoughts, we’ve created a giant sumo wrestler of lust.  We trained our eyes to continually look for things of that nature.  As you may have found, no amount of feeding can satisfy the Sumo!

Starving the Sumo

To paraphrase, the analogy continues to say that we get angry that God gave us this sex drive and is now forcing us to try to confront it; we keep trying to fight it to no avail.  We hope that a hormone drop will shrink the sumo down to size, or that we’ll grow spiritually and be able to defeat it, but that doesn’t happen.  Then, filled with shame, you say, “I guess it’s not God’s will that I win this battle”.  Then “turning to God with pleading eyes, you cry, ‘See God? Save me from this monster! Don’t You love me?’ 

‘Of course, I love you,’ says the Creator of the universe.  ‘Don’t you love Me?’ 

‘Lord, you know that I do!’ 

‘Then starve the sumo!’” 

When we continue to look at pornography, we are keeping the desires in us too strong for us to master.  By reducing the amount of sexual content we see and think about, we reduce these desires.  In order to stop a pornography addiction, we need to also eliminate these other sources of lust and control our day-to-day thoughts.  Most of the time, it is these other inputs that spur us to worse things later in the day.

Streaking May Not Be The Answer…

One technique that I tried over the years was to try to keep a streak alive of not looking at pornography.  This, however, didn’t work to break the addiction.  Whenever I would succumb to temptation, the following days I would have less motivation to avoid giving in because I felt that I had already failed myself.  The truth is, however, that we are never going to be perfect, and our progress is not simply measured by the length of the streak since our last incident.  If you have a time of weakness, don’t give up on yourself!

Battle Strategy

1. Flee from temptation (turn off the computer, walk away)
2. Realize you are no longer a slave to sin (Jesus has freed us!)
3. Starve the sumo (that includes television ads, movies – avert your eyes!)
4. Your streak doesn’t define you.  Don’t despair when you fail.

Our sexual desires have their roots in a good thing – attraction to your current/future spouse. God didn’t give it to us as a curse but our sinful natures have perverted them and turned them into something they were never meant to be.  With a good battle plan and the freedom that comes in Christ you can break your pornography addiction.

“I’m a sophmore in college and can’t seem to shake the habit. Truth is I’m a girl… is this normal? I just want to stop, and stop feeling the need to “have to”. I feel so bad and empty after I do. Uh, not fun. answers? suggetions? comments? anything?”

Addiction to pornography is often portrayed as a man’s problem, but many women struggle with it as well. So it is not abnormal at all to be faced with this issue as a girl in college. After reading your comment I read some articles on the internet and came across this one from a female author that discusses the rise in girls struggling with pornography: View the Article.

I also came across a blog that shares about a girl with struggled with pornography for 8 years and is now 8 years into recovery and is sharing her story at conferences (View her Blog). When reading her blog you have to sort through a lot of random posts to get to the good stuff, but I think you will find it helpful because she talks about how difficult it was to share her problem at first and then eventually she was able to overcome that and it helped her in recovering.

It is a tough problem to have in college — that is where my struggles began. College can be stressful and that can lead up to times of temptation so my advice would be to try and get as much exercise as possbile to release tension. You should also think back to what lead to the episodes where you gave in to the temptation and how those could be avoided. If it tends to happen when you feel alone perhaps calling family or friends would be a good substitute.

Shaking the habit isn’t easy, but it can be done. I really didn’t think I would get over it but here I am typing at the computer in my office at 11 pm with my wife in bed — two years ago if I was alone at the computer at night I know the thought would have at least crossed my mind to look at pornography and 90% of the time that would have led to my acting on those thoughts and feeling empty.

“I have experienced alot of addictions in my life, tobbaco, alcohol, drugs, porn, masterbation and work. I have managed to beat the tobbaco, alcohol and drugs but I have been held captive by the other three for forty years. I know I have to work but it has been a tool for me to hide behind so no one can see my other secrets. I don’t know maybe they already know? but don’t know what to do.

I know I am a good person. I know I have alot more to offer. But not with this cloud of darkness I carry everywhere I go. I’m tired, I can’t hide it any longer. This is the first act of confession I have ever in 40 years made in any form. Someone , something , please!! help me find my way to the place I need to be that will give me peace from this burden. (Its not a good place that I’m in)”

If you want relief from the burden then sharing your secret is the only option. I carried the burden of my secret for about 8 years before I realized the need to share it with my wife. There were times when I would lay in bed with my heart pounding wondering if my wife knew .. had she found out? There is no doubt in my mind that if I hadn’t broken down and told my wife that I would be carrying the same burden for 40 years.

It is apparent that you love your family, very much, and I imagine that the last thing you want to do is disappoint or hurt them. It will hurt your spouse, but she deserves the truth just like my wife deserved the truth. Addiction to pornography is really no different than having an affair so expect for her to have similar emotions and for this to be a lengthy process of healing. My wife felt like she had somehow failed or wasn’t adequate because she thought I wasn’t satisfied with her. She asked questions like what type of sites I visited, when did I visit them, how often, did I masturbate when I looked at pornography, and the topics weren’t always easy to talk about but I was always truthful. She was quick to forgive me but the hurt remained for some time. So be prepared that sharing your addiction is going to bring about pain but that it will be worth it for both you and your spouse because it will allow you to start the process of becoming the husband you want to be.

A word of caution … don’t expect that just because you shared your addiction that you are going to be freed immediately from it’s grasp. It took more than a year after I told my wife before I could finally say pornography was no longer part of my life. My problem was that I shared with her but then after a few months fell back into the same habits that ended up leading to the pornography problems (watching cable tv at night, working on the computer late at night, etc.). If I could do it all over here are the steps I would take and that I am recommending for you:

Step 1: Pray. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1-9. No matter how far we have fallen into sin Christ’s death is sufficient for us.

Step 2: Share with your spouse. When telling her about your addiction I would recommend letting her know that you are committed to seeking help and then follow through on that commitment. If you are unsure of how to share it with her then speaking with a counselor first will be beneficial.

Step 3: Get involved in some support of recovery group or see a counselor. This is what I failed to do and looking back I really wish I had gotten involved in something. A counselor is good, but if you can find someone or a group that has gone through the same struggles it will really help you.

Step 4: Cut out the garbage. I often imagine I am in a wrestling match with lust. Over the years I fed my opponent with things like: internet porngraphy, movies with sex scenes, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Editions and Victoria’s Secrets catalogs, cable tv, etc. I created a huge fat sumo wrestler as my opponent that I didn’t stand a chance against. Lust doesn’t disappear overnight, you have to starve it and it takes a long time. So try to avoid anything that is going to cause temptation and, if you are tempted, follow the Bible’s advice and flee from the temptation.

You can’t undo 40 years of addiction, but you can use the pain that it has caused to help others. The pornography industry is making money off of our addictions and with the tv shows, movies, and advertisements of today there are many others that are falling prey to the same problem. Since sharing with my wife I have shared about this addiction with my siblings, my father, a few coworkers and some friends … when my sons grow up I will share it with them. You will be surprised at how many people you know that are in your same situation and they just need someone to help out. My hope is that you will use your experience to help others escape from their addictions and to warn others who might eventually fall into the trap.

I will keep you in prayer.

Robert

“My wife and I watch porn together, we love it quiet frankly. When we make love we sometimes turn on some porn and it makes the experiance more exciting, we’re not afraid or ashamed to try new things. My wife and I have a wonderful relationship and we learn new things from porn, it keeps excitement in the bedroom, I think when you lose that excitement of making love with you’re partner then the real problems of marriage occur, like infidelity and lusting for others, so I really think porn is a good thing.”

As exciting as this might seem, if you stop and really think about it you will see that doing this is like inviting cancer to start forming in your body. You aren’t going to see the negative effects of cancer right away, but eventually you are going to be faced with a life threatening problem. Watching pornography with your spouse will lead to destruction in your marriage.

I agree with the visitor that when the excitement is lost in the bedroom it increases the chances of infidelity and lusting for others. But his solution to that problem, adding pornography to stimulate the desire in the bedroom, is not going to prevent that from happening; in fact, it is going to increase the likelihood of infidelity and it already begins the issue of lusting after others. If you are watching a video of a couple having sex you are naturally going to be arroused by seeing a woman who is really enjoying everything that her man does to her in every position they do it in (read my additional thought at the end about that being a problem in itself). So during this viewing whose breasts are creating desire in you? Whose moans of delight are you hearing? Are you putting yourself in the setting as the one giving the female character that pleasure? Your wife happens to be in the room with you watching and you both are being filled with desire, but where is the desire coming from? Not from your wife.

What’s the big deal? So the desire may not be coming from your wife anymore, but you are still having great sex. As I mentioned, it is like a cancer, eventually you are going to start noticing problems and they are going to grow worse with time. Here are some problems that are going to occur:

1. You will become reliant upon the pornography for creating desire.
If you have stimulated desire by using pornography in the bedroom what happens when you don’t use it? It is pretty difficult for our natural desire to compete with that, so you will find that you are reliant on the pornography for creating the desire. Then your spouse’s role simply becomes being the logical outlet for releasing the desire the pornography has created.

2. You want to have sex but your wife isn’t interested
Guess what. You don’t need her to be filled with desire … that’s what the porn is for. When she is asleep or out of the house you can watch your video and be filled with desire. Since you know she isn’t interested right now you are going to have to find some other outlet for your release (I guess we don’t need our wives for that either).

3. Lusting for others. Infidelity problems.
Pornography = Lust. This is one thing I can guarantee; if you are watching pornography you are also lusting after others. When you see a beautiful woman at the mall, at work, or at church, your mind will gravitate towards thoughts of seeing her naked or having sex with her. What happens when you meet someone who is interested in you … will you have sex with them? If they fill you with desire then likely so.

So even if you just look at how this is going to affect your marriage you can see that it can only be destructive. There was something about your wife that you found sexually attractive when you married her — stick with that and being a good husband and there should be plenty of excitement in the bedroom.

Step 1: Share your Struggles
Sharing about your problem with pornography can be an incredibly difficult (and embarrassing) thing to do, but it is absolutely necessary.  When you have a secret, it has a great deal of power over you.  You will be surprised at how much weight is lifted from your shoulders when you tell someone – the more people you share it with the better, plus you might find that someone you are close to is going through the same struggle and you can hold each other accountable. If you are a teenager, after finishing this article please read Teens Struggling with Pornography.

If you are married then it is necessary to share this with your wife.  Keeping any kind of secret from your spouse is harmful to your marriage, and if you allow this secret to remain it will continue to be a stumbling block for you.  When I told my wife I cried.  I knew that I had failed her.  My wife was understandably hurt when she found out but she was amazing at supporting me in dealing with the temptation.  Looking back, I know that without that moment of honesty I would still be up late indulging in things that would leave me unsatisfied.

Step 2: “If your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away.” Matthew 18:9
I am not going to suggest you tear out your eye, but the point of the verse is very clear – remove the source of temptation.  Here are some great ways to accomplish this:

1. Have your spouse or a family member create a parental block with a password that they don’t provide to you.  You can either set it up to only allow internet activity when the password is entered or to allow activity but ban any restricted sites.
2. Position your computer in an area where the screen can be seen by anyone entering the room. This relieves a lot of pressure because it makes your online visits public to whoever is in the house.
3. Get an internet monitoring service like Covenant Eyes that can email an accountability partner with updates on how you are doing.
4. Cancel your internet service – did I just say that??  Yes it seems extreme, but if you find that nothing else works then this sure beats the 5th choice of following Matthew 18:9 literally.

Step 3: Trust in God’s Promises
It was easy to conceal my addiction from my family – but guess what, God knew I was rejecting him with each decision.  So you don’t need to reveal your struggles to God, but you do need to ask forgiveness and then seek His strength in dealing with the temptation.  There are many great promises in the Bible, but one in particular keeps me going strong.  It is I Corinthians 10:13:

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.”

The first part of the verse confirms that all of the temptations I face are not unique to me – there are others that are struggling with the exact same thing.  So instead of being afraid to share about my struggles I am encouraged to share about them in the hope that people going through the same struggles won’t feel so alone.  The second part of the verse holds an amazing promise and is worth repeating: “God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.”  So no matter what you and I struggle with God has already promised that we can resist the temptation – how great is that!

What Will You Do Next?
Making the decision to turn away from pornography is an important step, but if you don’t change anything else then you will likely find yourself battling once again with temptation.   So get out a piece of paper and set a date in the next week when you will share your struggles with someone that is close to you.  On that same sheet of paper list the ways you can avoid the temptations that are causing you to stumble.  Fold up that piece of paper and keep it in your wallet or put it somewhere where you can read over it once a day.  I wasted too many of my years entrapped by pornography — my hope is that you won’t waste another day.